U.S. Surpasses 500,000 Conspiracy Theories

The Center for Disease Control has announced that the United States will soon mark 500,000 conspiracy theories. "Only about half of these theories are directly related to COVID-19," said Dr. Anthony Fauci. "There are the familiar stories about Bill Gates implanting Microsoft products within the vaccine, and a (still alive) Jeff Epstein using COVID-19 wards … Continue reading U.S. Surpasses 500,000 Conspiracy Theories

Twitter CEO: We Just Now Realized He Violated Our Terms Of Service

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced a permanent suspension of Donald Trump's Twitter account, after discovering a few of his posts may have violated their terms of service. "We received some complaints over the past decade about inappropriate content on @realDonaldTrump, but obviously we cannot police every user on Twitter," said Dorsey. "We received a handful … Continue reading Twitter CEO: We Just Now Realized He Violated Our Terms Of Service

Family Pretty Sure Mom Has Already Seen This Hallmark Movie

As various family members passed from the living room to the kitchen for a snack, they unsuccessfully tried to persuade Mom that she had already seen the Hallmark movie she was watching. "Hey, isn't this the one where the handsome developer comes to town to take over Danica McKellar's bakery," asked Amy? "I don't know," … Continue reading Family Pretty Sure Mom Has Already Seen This Hallmark Movie

Trump Absent-Mindedly Executes Guy He Meant To Pardon

WASHINGTON— Distracted by tweeting over the election, President Trump was disappointed by news on Fox & Friends that white-supremacist serial killer Al Anders died by lethal injection on Wednesday. "Damn, I meant to grant that guy a pardon. I must have mixed up the pardon pile with the execution pile. Oh well, at least those … Continue reading Trump Absent-Mindedly Executes Guy He Meant To Pardon

Biden Seeks Pregnant Woman To Head Department Of Labor

Washington D.C. After receiving accolades for his choice of Deb Haaland for the Department of Interior, President-Elect Biden has organized a search-committee to find a well qualified pregnant woman to head the Department of Labor. "It's a travesty that, in the 107 year history of this Agency, no pregnant woman has ever managed the DOL," … Continue reading Biden Seeks Pregnant Woman To Head Department Of Labor

Trump Flunks Out Of Electoral College

Today, the Electoral College sent a letter to Donald Trump, terminating their relationship. "It's not simply that you have miserably failed in four attempts to pass required, basic courses in Economics, Racial Justice, and History 101, but your deplorable performance in this year's Epidemiology course was such a monumental failure that it will be a … Continue reading Trump Flunks Out Of Electoral College