Donald Trump was disappointed that his offer of hush money to New York grand jurors was ignored. "I don't know what happened. I offered them two nights at Mar-a-Lago and $100 in casino credits. I only needed 11 votes. Maybe the non-disclosure agreements were too much." Trump remains confident he can still quash the indictment. … Continue reading Trump Offers Hush Money To Grand Jurors
Melinda Gates Seeks Divorce Due To Frustration With Windows 10 Update
"I let it go when he engaged in predatory business practices against his competitors. I even looked the other way when he implanted tracking devices in vaccines. But when my Tomb Raider Reloaded crashed, it was the last straw. I want to update and restart."
CDC Lifts Moratorium On Mass-Shootings
The CDC has found, among other things, that fully-vaccinated shooters are less likely to get and spread COVID-19.
Biden Accidentally Vetoes Stimulus Bill
President Biden apologized after realizing he accidentally vetoed the COVID relief bill. “Sh*t! They put a bunch of papers on my desk to sign, and I signed on the wrong line. Now Joe Manchin is telling me he will hold up any new bill in the Senate unless I give him another neck massage.”
U.S. Surpasses 500,000 Conspiracy Theories
The Center for Disease Control has announced that the United States will soon mark 500,000 conspiracy theories. "Only about half of these theories are directly related to COVID-19," said Dr. Anthony Fauci. "There are the familiar stories about Bill Gates implanting Microsoft products within the vaccine, and a (still alive) Jeff Epstein using COVID-19 wards … Continue reading U.S. Surpasses 500,000 Conspiracy Theories
Mom Tearful As Son Heads Off To First Insurrection
“Look at my big boy now, off to overthrow the government. I know he wants to do this on his own, but I'm checking his backpack.”
Trump Testing Out Tinder
I love to talk about MASSIVE VOTER FRAUD and FIGHTING TO STOP THE STEAL.
Twitter CEO: We Just Now Realized He Violated Our Terms Of Service
Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced a permanent suspension of Donald Trump's Twitter account, after discovering a few of his posts may have violated their terms of service. "We received some complaints over the past decade about inappropriate content on @realDonaldTrump, but obviously we cannot police every user on Twitter," said Dorsey. "We received a handful … Continue reading Twitter CEO: We Just Now Realized He Violated Our Terms Of Service
Giuliani Claims Calendar Fraud
WASHINGTON In a lawsuit filed with the Supreme Court Thursday, ubershyster Rudy Giuliani asked the Court to declare the date to be September 23rd. In a press conference held in the parking lot of Supreme Video, Giuliani produced several witnesses who claimed to have witnessed incidents of calendar fraud. "I saw a truck with dozens … Continue reading Giuliani Claims Calendar Fraud
Family Pretty Sure Mom Has Already Seen This Hallmark Movie
As various family members passed from the living room to the kitchen for a snack, they unsuccessfully tried to persuade Mom that she had already seen the Hallmark movie she was watching. "Hey, isn't this the one where the handsome developer comes to town to take over Danica McKellar's bakery," asked Amy? "I don't know," … Continue reading Family Pretty Sure Mom Has Already Seen This Hallmark Movie