GOP Uncovers Huge Conspiracy To Remove Trump Using “Ballots” From “Voters”

Republicans assert that something called “democracy” is being used to create a “fair election” which could result in “representative government.” These “votes” may be “counted” and produce a “valid outcome.” Investigators say this subversive operation could result in Americans living under the tyranny imposed by “constitutional rights.”

Biden Honors Promise To Pick Female VP By Choosing Obama In A Dress

Said Biden, “If it looks like a woman, and wears clothes like a woman, it’s a woman. Barry’ll also be talking in a high voice and wearing perfume, so he’ll even sound and smell like a woman. If you’re all gonna cling to the technicality of anatomical parts, don’t forget that I support adopting whatever gender identity you choose. And for the next eight years, my VP here chooses female.”

God Asks Fellow Deity, ‘Do These Creations Make Me Look Stupid?’

“Look at these people I made, especially the ones of genus ‘Dipshittius Americanus.’ I thought I’d endowed them with brains, common sense, diplomacy, insight, compassion – everything that comes standard in the ‘Decent Human Being’ upgrade package. Yet a lot of them are behaving like complete whack jobs. You’d think I downgraded them to the ‘Mother Fucking Asshole’ package.”

Plane Crash Finally Shuts Up Crying Baby…Oh No Wait, Still Crying

"I wondered why God spared me, and started praying that the search party would find us before…and then I hear it. It was just a quiet whimper at first. And then it gets louder and louder, and I’m like, yep, I’d recognize that cry anywhere. That little mother-fucker is still balling his eyes out. How long am I going to have to lie here and listen to this?! Can’t the parents shut him up? Jesus!”