“Look at these people I made, especially the ones of genus ‘Dipshittius Americanus.’ I thought I’d endowed them with brains, common sense, diplomacy, insight, compassion – everything that comes standard in the ‘Decent Human Being’ upgrade package. Yet a lot of them are behaving like complete whack jobs. You’d think I downgraded them to the ‘Mother Fucking Asshole’ package.”
"I wondered why God spared me, and started praying that the search party would find us before…and then I hear it. It was just a quiet whimper at first. And then it gets louder and louder, and I’m like, yep, I’d recognize that cry anywhere. That little mother-fucker is still balling his eyes out. How long am I going to have to lie here and listen to this?! Can’t the parents shut him up? Jesus!”
After shooting a black man who littered outside a convenience store, Officer William Berry made a point of opening fire on four white park dwellers out of his patrol car window on his way back to the precinct. “That’s four times as many whites down tonight,” said Berry. “Who’s racist now, bitches?”
“With Raymond, we’ll never hear a peep out of him. We can take him anywhere! There’ll be way fewer stinky diapers.”
“It’s so horrible to lose Jason,” said the teen’s father. “I was sure he’d end up in the NFL or President of the United States. His mother and I will mourn him and miss him forever. Shame about Mary, too, I guess.”
"Man, my inhabitants have like no self-control," said our annoyed planet. "Today was supposed to celebrate me, and instead, it's all about these fatsos."
"Hey there. Are you OK?"
Can't be too careful.
“I could wait until the mailman gets here, I guess, and just go for it. But I hate to just take out one old, fat divorced guy. Allah’s made it pretty clear you only get one virgin for that.”