The president will be bringing to the debate stage the biggest, loudest, most fantastic microphone you’ve ever seen, so he can interrupt Biden many times, at any time, and all the time.
"Here's your check, coronavirus. We have a deal. You go away, you stay away, you pretend you never met me.”
Republicans assert that something called “democracy” is being used to create a “fair election” which could result in “representative government.” These “votes” may be “counted” and produce a “valid outcome.” Investigators say this subversive operation could result in Americans living under the tyranny imposed by “constitutional rights.”
“We’ve changed the rules so that as long as the person is conservative, which we already know they will be, they don’t need a hearing, or even a known identity,” said majority leader Mitch McConnell. If the President does not name the already-confirmed nominee this weekend, he/she will be appointed to the court using a cardboard cutout.
At first Snow White seems most likely to choose Dopey or Sneezy to die, maybe even both, so she can use the extra ventilator as a nightstand. Click to read the plot summary exclusively obtained by Unsubscribed.
Said Biden, “If it looks like a woman, and wears clothes like a woman, it’s a woman. Barry’ll also be talking in a high voice and wearing perfume, so he’ll even sound and smell like a woman. If you’re all gonna cling to the technicality of anatomical parts, don’t forget that I support adopting whatever gender identity you choose. And for the next eight years, my VP here chooses female.”
“Look at these people I made, especially the ones of genus ‘Dipshittius Americanus.’ I thought I’d endowed them with brains, common sense, diplomacy, insight, compassion – everything that comes standard in the ‘Decent Human Being’ upgrade package. Yet a lot of them are behaving like complete whack jobs. You’d think I downgraded them to the ‘Mother Fucking Asshole’ package.”
"I wondered why God spared me, and started praying that the search party would find us before…and then I hear it. It was just a quiet whimper at first. And then it gets louder and louder, and I’m like, yep, I’d recognize that cry anywhere. That little mother-fucker is still balling his eyes out. How long am I going to have to lie here and listen to this?! Can’t the parents shut him up? Jesus!”
After shooting a black man who littered outside a convenience store, Officer William Berry made a point of opening fire on four white park dwellers out of his patrol car window on his way back to the precinct. “That’s four times as many whites down tonight,” said Berry. “Who’s racist now, bitches?”
“With Raymond, we’ll never hear a peep out of him. We can take him anywhere! There’ll be way fewer stinky diapers.”