“It’s probably for the best that you’re alone anyway, because I’m sure it makes you unhappy knowing that another person is suffering just by being with you.”
“In addition to resembling a crazed dingo, you’ll need to sound thoroughly inane. Try memorizing a list of completely disconnected words — ferret, linguine, Ukraine, prostate, criminal, schadenfreude, Yonkers, ungulate — then spit them out all night in random order.”
“Even if you roll into town unexpected at, like, 3 AM, they’re like, 'Hey, mi casa es su casa.' It sure is!”
“First, we rounded a corner and were shocked by a surprise variable interest rate. Then boom! The balloon debt exploded and we were nearly catapulted into the jaws of a predatory home equity loan. It was horrific.”
"After a controversial report out of Northeastern University’s Department of Bipedal Vertical Locomotion concluded that “large landings may be excluded from an enumeration of treads and risers,” a firestorm of dispute has engulfed the stair-counting academy."
I wish more people were like me: race-blind, color-blind, and their-own-dick-blind. If everyone were like that, and if certain people whose race and color I am unable to see would stay the hell out of nice neighborhoods like mine, I assure you our whole society would be a lot better off.
“Let me put it this way,” says Cooper. “Cindy Davis could take beauty tips from a zookeeper. And her husband Mac – nice guy. I mean, really, the nicest, sweetest guy. But when God was handing out feces, Mac thought he said faces, and grabbed a big one.”
2. Gorillas. I heard they’re going extinct, so they’re probably a good investment.
It’s 10:30 AM and most of the patrons of Farmer’s Horse coffee shop have given up whatever they were doing to become engrossed in the quickly-accumulating details of a loud guy’s phone conversation.
Is the person you’re embalming definitely dead?