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Author: Tommi Becker

May 5, 2020May 7, 2020 Tommi Becker Uncategorized

Mortician Promises To Give The Best Haircut

Local economies are suffering, families are tired of being cooped up together, but most importantly, our bangs have completely grown out.

March 16, 2020March 16, 2020 Tommi Becker Uncategorized

This St. Paddy’s Day, Nation Practices McSocial O’Distancing

Come one, come.. just one! Here's to you and here's to me, here's to drinking separately as we flatten ye ol' curve! May the road rise up to meet you as you walk all alone, by yourself, away from germs! And may we all be alive this same time next year. Cheers! By Tommi Becker

February 27, 2020March 12, 2020 Tommi Becker Uncategorized, Politics

At Coronavirus Press Conference, Trump Assures Nation Grabbing By The Pussy Still Okay

"Right now, it is very low level," Trump pontificated. "Cover your cough, avoid touching your face, but grabbing by the pussy is still okay. If we get to the point grabbing by the pussy is not okay, we will immediately raise the alert level."

September 12, 2019September 14, 2019 Tommi Becker Uncategorized

Alka Seltzer Releases New Effervescent Euthanasia Tablets

Let Alka Seltzer's magic fizz quickly eliminate your unbearable heartburn, gnawing ennui, and sorry existence.

August 30, 2019August 31, 2019 Tommi Becker Uncategorized

Small Town In Crisis: Plant Closure Results In Shortage Of Population To Gossip About

"We knew who was going to work at the plant, and who was skipping work to day-drink at the bars. It was based upon our observations we knew who to gossip about... er, I mean, PRAY FOR at church."

August 23, 2019 Tommi Becker Uncategorized

Bird Standing In Middle Of Road Has Nothing Left To Live For

Her nest was destroyed by an asshole cat. Her mate left her for a beautiful songbird. She has lost her will to fly. So now it's up to you.

August 5, 2019August 22, 2019 Tommi Becker Uncategorized

In Rare Interview, God Reveals Danny DeVito His Greatest Human Creation

A smidge too much Cherub and not enough baking powder gave us Patton Oswalt. So close. But Patton doesn't exude the same magic as Danny, you know? There's just something about Danny. I can't keep my eyes off him! Have you seen him in that Philadelphia show? I just want to pinch all of him!

July 19, 2019February 27, 2020 Tommi Becker Politics

I Am Libertarian, Therefore, I Am Libertarian

As a libertarian, I'm pretty sure I believe in free thought, and liberty. Definitely liberty.

July 6, 2019July 6, 2019 Tommi Becker Uncategorized

Black Little Mermaid To Be Killed Off In The First Scene

Shocking

July 2, 2019July 2, 2019 Tommi Becker Uncategorized

Where Are They Now? Galaxy M87’s Black Hole

We found M87's Black Hole alone in space, 55 million light years away, exactly where she was discovered. Her name nary uttered on Earth, she spends her days eating her feelings by swallowing colossal amounts of light.

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