“This trial was rigged,” one of the rioters told an Unsubscribed reporter as she spit out her tobacco and took selfies with herself rushing the judge’s bench and banging the gavel on the wrong end. “If we shuffle some papers around in here, we can get this verdict reversed. We owe it to Mr. Trump! He sent us here because if you can’t murder a black guy and get away with it, what is this country coming to?”
President Biden apologized after realizing he accidentally vetoed the COVID relief bill. “Sh*t! They put a bunch of papers on my desk to sign, and I signed on the wrong line. Now Joe Manchin is telling me he will hold up any new bill in the Senate unless I give him another neck massage.”
"I am shocked, shocked, that the American people are on board with cold hard cash in their sweaty palms," the Senator told reporters. "I remember when Yang was talking about a monthly check, and I thought 'no way, no way would anyone not want to live in abject poverty.' Boy, is my face red. Here … Continue reading Bernie Wishes He Would Have Thought To Just Give The People Money
QAnon Brothers and Sisters, here we go again. The Mean Stream Media is feeding us yet another lie – that one of our biggest heroes, Rush Limbaugh, is dead. What? Prove it. Why aren’t they showing pictures of his dead body? How come you can still hear Rush Limbaugh’s voice if you search for it on the Internet?
“Look at my big boy now, off to overthrow the government. I know he wants to do this on his own, but I'm checking his backpack.”
"We have a booming economy of impeachments," the President railed to staffers. "We'll get no credit for it by the liberal media though because they refuse to see the good work I'm doing. I did this. Me. Nobody helps me. Before us, only two impeachments, and now there are four. I have more articles. Sad. … Continue reading Trump Credits Self For Single-Handedly Increasing Presidential Impeachments By 100%
After a tumultuous few days, Senator Cruz was seen about the Hill rocking a bitching new earring. "It's not that I'm happy about the lil' coup, it's that I get it. I mean, they are right about the libs." Abuzz with images of the brief Capitol takeover, Cruz reportedly had an aide's niece's best friend … Continue reading Juiced Up On Insurrection, Ted Cruz Seen Sporting Fresh New Piercing
"Look, as long as I have breath in my beautiful body, I will never, they always tell me that, everyone says it. The police, I love them. I will never stop fighting the American people," Trump told his ungrateful nation. "You are the reason we are here. This mess is yours. Russia, Russia and Hillary … Continue reading Trump Promises To Never Stop Fighting The American People
Trump loses again.
"I remember they had this penny candy, and they didn't just call it that, it was all actually a penny. Mama would send us all down there with a few pennies, I still remember the jingle in my pocket from them, and we'd make our selection. I'd get a big thing of black licorice. A … Continue reading ‘A Loaf Of Bread Cost A Nickel When I Was A Kid’ McConnell Brags Of Huge Stimulus Bill