Bernie Wishes He Would Have Thought To Just Give The People Money

"I am shocked, shocked, that the American people are on board with cold hard cash in their sweaty palms," the Senator told reporters. "I remember when Yang was talking about a monthly check, and I thought 'no way, no way would anyone not want to live in abject poverty.' Boy, is my face red. Here … Continue reading Bernie Wishes He Would Have Thought To Just Give The People Money

Trump Credits Self For Single-Handedly Increasing Presidential Impeachments By 100%

"We have a booming economy of impeachments," the President railed to staffers. "We'll get no credit for it by the liberal media though because they refuse to see the good work I'm doing. I did this. Me. Nobody helps me. Before us, only two impeachments, and now there are four. I have more articles. Sad. … Continue reading Trump Credits Self For Single-Handedly Increasing Presidential Impeachments By 100%

Juiced Up On Insurrection, Ted Cruz Seen Sporting Fresh New Piercing

After a tumultuous few days, Senator Cruz was seen about the Hill rocking a bitching new earring. "It's not that I'm happy about the lil' coup, it's that I get it. I mean, they are right about the libs." Abuzz with images of the brief Capitol takeover, Cruz reportedly had an aide's niece's best friend … Continue reading Juiced Up On Insurrection, Ted Cruz Seen Sporting Fresh New Piercing

Trump Promises To Never Stop Fighting The American People

"Look, as long as I have breath in my beautiful body, I will never, they always tell me that, everyone says it. The police, I love them. I will never stop fighting the American people," Trump told his ungrateful nation. "You are the reason we are here. This mess is yours. Russia, Russia and Hillary … Continue reading Trump Promises To Never Stop Fighting The American People

‘A Loaf Of Bread Cost A Nickel When I Was A Kid’ McConnell Brags Of Huge Stimulus Bill

"I remember they had this penny candy, and they didn't just call it that, it was all actually a penny. Mama would send us all down there with a few pennies, I still remember the jingle in my pocket from them, and we'd make our selection. I'd get a big thing of black licorice. A … Continue reading ‘A Loaf Of Bread Cost A Nickel When I Was A Kid’ McConnell Brags Of Huge Stimulus Bill

Biden Seeks Pregnant Woman To Head Department Of Labor

Washington D.C. After receiving accolades for his choice of Deb Haaland for the Department of Interior, President-Elect Biden has organized a search-committee to find a well qualified pregnant woman to head the Department of Labor. "It's a travesty that, in the 107 year history of this Agency, no pregnant woman has ever managed the DOL," … Continue reading Biden Seeks Pregnant Woman To Head Department Of Labor