“I’m not saying I shoot heroin, but I just said it. Not that I’m saying it. Acid, shrooms, Bolivian marching powder. Bolivia. Great city.”
Attempt To Stretch $1,200 Over Several Weeks Somehow Fails To Revitalize Economy
"Our top-level economists assured us that the best way to bring economic growth was to force masses of people out of work and give them $1,200 to cover two months of rent, food, and bills. We are at a loss to explain how this did not work."
Trump Announces He Will Resign ‘Over Every American’s COVID-Ridden Body’
“I'm not going anywhere, folks. I'm doing a tremendous job of stimulating the economy. Health care workers are enjoying lots of overtime. Mortuary business levels are at an all-time high. They can't even keep up!”
Trump Puts Mr. Clean In Charge Of Coronavirus Task Force
“I want to thank Mike for all of his hard work leading the Coronavirus Task Force, but we need Americans cleaning their lungs, and who better to be in charge than Mr. Clean himself? Look at that bald head and smile. Isn't he beautiful, folks?”
Trump Calmly Sips Disinfectant After Press Briefing
“Great flavor. Great flavor. They're doing wonderful things with this stuff. Orange flavor, lemon flavor. Do you believe this? Not me. I told them GET IT ON THE SHELVES the people NEED IT. And it tastes good! It really tastes great folks!”
Dems Ask Biden To Self-Quarantine
He was warned that microphones, telephones, and cameras are all notorious carriers of Covid-19.
Baby Boomers Enjoy 7th Consecutive Decade Of Getting Exactly What They Want
"My dad was a WWII vet, and he always talked about leaving a better world for future generations," said one Biden fan. "But as a man born between 1946 and 1964, I'm still trying to wrap my head around that concept."
Melania Trump Self-Quarantines From Husband
"Goodbye, forever. Be best."
Pence Relieved To Learn Deadly Virus Spreading Only Among Homo Sapiens
“They’re constantly engaging in sexual activity. They love parading around half-naked. I’m no expert, but there’s a lot of evidence many of them have multiple partners, use stimulants, and visit steam rooms.”
Warren Returns To Home State Of Massachusetts To Burn It All To The Ground
Home of gross baked beans — While torching the place, Senator Warren could be heard singing Lizzo's Truth Hurts. I just took a DNA test, turns out I'm 100% that bitchEven when I'm crying crazyYeah, I got boy problems, that's the human in meBling bling, then I solve 'em, that's the goddess in meYou coulda … Continue reading Warren Returns To Home State Of Massachusetts To Burn It All To The Ground