Said Biden, “If it looks like a woman, and wears clothes like a woman, it’s a woman. Barry’ll also be talking in a high voice and wearing perfume, so he’ll even sound and smell like a woman. If you’re all gonna cling to the technicality of anatomical parts, don’t forget that I support adopting whatever gender identity you choose. And for the next eight years, my VP here chooses female.”
State Not Properly Social Distancing From Church
"We're all trying our best to isolate lawmaking from religion, and then we see 7 SCOTUS judges raw dogging it in court with religious exemptions? Not safe. Not cool."
‘One Global Crisis Down, A Few Dozen Left To Go,’ Report People Under 30
"It's been tough going with this pandemic and civil unrest, but if nothing else, it will be good training for the no-more-coffee crisis, no-more-pollinators crisis, no-more-water crisis, no-more-Virgin Islands crisis, and the inevitable no-more-topsoil crisis," remarked every single person born after 1990.
America Prepares For Second Storming Of Normandy After Being Denied Into Reopening EU
“Our liberties were at stake during World War 2 just as they are now. Freedom isn't free, and if we need to deploy thousands of troops onto European beaches and take out countless lives so we can have the freedom to tour Europe's many beautiful countries while not wearing masks or social distancing, so be it!”
EU Bans Visitors From Shithole Country
When the United States sends travellers to Europe, they're not sending their best. They're sending people that have a lot of problems, and they're bringing those problems with us. They're bringing disease. They're bringing MAGA hats. They're racists. And some, I assume, are good people."
Trump Campaign Replaces MAGA With Less Ambiguous ‘White Power’ Slogan
Over the weekend, President Trump and his campaign team officially launched their fresh, new campaign slogan: White Power. "Our critics were always like, 'Oh, when was America great? Do you mean during slavery? Jim Crow? What?' And then we switched to 'Keep America Great,' but then the extreme left kept pointing out this Kung Flu … Continue reading Trump Campaign Replaces MAGA With Less Ambiguous ‘White Power’ Slogan
Embarrassed Bangladeshi Prime Minister Realizes Flag Been Hanging Upside-Down For 50 Years
"I feel mortified by this. Why didn't anyone tell me to flip it the right way up? This is just like what happened to Japan."
Fox News Tests Throwing In Occasional Facts Just To Keep Viewer On Their Toes
"Our test audience showed real excitement every time we injected little, digestible doses of reality into our usual punditry. Over time, we may consider moving slowly toward a 50% truth-based system, similar to that on most cable news shows."
Trump Reveals He Also Mainlining LSD, Coke, Heroin, Orange Dye
“I’m not saying I shoot heroin, but I just said it. Not that I’m saying it. Acid, shrooms, Bolivian marching powder. Bolivia. Great city.”
Attempt To Stretch $1,200 Over Several Weeks Somehow Fails To Revitalize Economy
"Our top-level economists assured us that the best way to bring economic growth was to force masses of people out of work and give them $1,200 to cover two months of rent, food, and bills. We are at a loss to explain how this did not work."