Boooo!
Presidential Debate The Most Exciting Thing To Happen In Cleveland In Decades
“I still remember in 1995 when the Browns last qualified for the playoffs. What a rush!” Said local loser Aaron Feldman. “This presidential debate will be our new legacy!”
Trump Knocks Disabled Guy Out Of Wheelchair Just To Get Crowd Pumped
"Listen, they don't give me any credit," Trump said as he tipped over "Front Row Cripple Chris," in front of dozens of cheering fans. "China. My deal with the Jews and Arabs. My beautiful, beautiful wall. But it's not me they're after. The liberal media is after you. The hardworking Americans. Sad," he lamented, kicking … Continue reading Trump Knocks Disabled Guy Out Of Wheelchair Just To Get Crowd Pumped
Senate Votes To Approve Still Unnamed Ninth Justice
“We’ve changed the rules so that as long as the person is conservative, which we already know they will be, they don’t need a hearing, or even a known identity,” said majority leader Mitch McConnell. If the President does not name the already-confirmed nominee this weekend, he/she will be appointed to the court using a cardboard cutout.
McConnell: It’d Be Pretty Hypocritical Of Me To Not Be A Hypocrite At This Point
WASHINGTON "I don't know what else I can do to show you who I am," the Senate Majority leader explained to Democrats. "I have no higher standards, no qualms, no principles whatsoever. I'm not a wolf in sheep's clothing. I'm a snake with obvious glandular issues. I was once so deep into hypocrisy that the … Continue reading McConnell: It’d Be Pretty Hypocritical Of Me To Not Be A Hypocrite At This Point
Don Jr. Identifies As Ivanka In Hopes Of Winning Father’s Love
Feeling neglected by his dad, Donald Trump Jr., is now posing as his sister, Ivanka. "Father's always thought she was a totally smart babe, and I'm hoping he'll think I am now too," Donka told Fox News. "Within minutes of me debuting my new look, my father invited me to sit on his lap in … Continue reading Don Jr. Identifies As Ivanka In Hopes Of Winning Father’s Love
Biden Honors Promise To Pick Female VP By Choosing Obama In A Dress
Said Biden, “If it looks like a woman, and wears clothes like a woman, it’s a woman. Barry’ll also be talking in a high voice and wearing perfume, so he’ll even sound and smell like a woman. If you’re all gonna cling to the technicality of anatomical parts, don’t forget that I support adopting whatever gender identity you choose. And for the next eight years, my VP here chooses female.”
State Not Properly Social Distancing From Church
"We're all trying our best to isolate lawmaking from religion, and then we see 7 SCOTUS judges raw dogging it in court with religious exemptions? Not safe. Not cool."
‘One Global Crisis Down, A Few Dozen Left To Go,’ Report People Under 30
"It's been tough going with this pandemic and civil unrest, but if nothing else, it will be good training for the no-more-coffee crisis, no-more-pollinators crisis, no-more-water crisis, no-more-Virgin Islands crisis, and the inevitable no-more-topsoil crisis," remarked every single person born after 1990.
America Prepares For Second Storming Of Normandy After Being Denied Into Reopening EU
“Our liberties were at stake during World War 2 just as they are now. Freedom isn't free, and if we need to deploy thousands of troops onto European beaches and take out countless lives so we can have the freedom to tour Europe's many beautiful countries while not wearing masks or social distancing, so be it!”