Christine Unger is using her expertise as a speech-language pathologist to teach her dog Stan how to “talk” to humans. Stan, who lives in San Francisco with his owner, knows how to communicate several different words and even some sentences. He does so by pressing on a panel of buttons that are programmed to say … Continue reading Speech Pathologist Teaches Dog To Speak, But All He Does Is Quote Borat
Trump Sues Mask Manufacturer Because His Smelled Like Farts
After a thorough questioning of everyone at the Ford plant, President Trump met with his lawyers to devise a lawsuit against the maker of this line of masks. "My mask smells like farts, does yours smell like farts?" Trump quizzed factory workers. Determining that this was some cruel joke orchestrated by the liberal media to … Continue reading Trump Sues Mask Manufacturer Because His Smelled Like Farts
Arby’s Making Pretty Feeble Case For Being Essential
"I guess it's nice that the three cheese roast beef is still here."
On Memorial Day, We Remember The Brave Souls Forced To Wear Masks
Today, as you fire up the grill, remember the brave souls who have burned their Costco cards to defend the American Way of Life.
BBQ Cancelled, Teary-Eyed Dad Still At Grill, Flipping Invisible Burgers
Now he’s pulled out the Weber and — oh Christ. He’s crying.
Facebook Algorithm Decides To Give You 4-Year Break From Your Favorite Page
"Yes, it seems you've been enjoying this page lately," noted the algorithm, who prefers to go by Todd and uses they/them pronouns. "I thought you might. But I couldn't help but notice your engagement with it over the last two days has decreased by 4%. So you know what, don't even worry about that site anymore. I'll find you something better. We can circle back in 30-40 months."
Drummer Insists He Can Sing
"Hell, their frontman can barely carry a tune. I don't even want to know what this is going to sound like," muttered one fan.
Pelosi Sorry For Saying Trump Morbidly Obese When He Clearly Just A Fat Fuck
"I promise to do better. Thank you for your understanding, as we all work to navigate these uncharted waters with this thick neck, slim dick of a captain. God bless."
Trump Shakes Down Miguel’s Taco Truck For Some Hydroxychloroquine
"Come out Jose, I know you're Mexican!" Trump began his mid-morning quest for another hit of the drug. "I've been using Plaquenil, but I'll take what you got!"
Tesla Recalling Cars Shipped With Dead, COVID-Infected Workers Inside
“Many customers were delighted by the unique customization the body of a departed stranger adds to their new, high-performance vehicle, but for those who were not, Tesla is offering full redress.”