"We wanted to bring in our boy without any injuries, Captain says that's real important now," Lt. Andrews told the cameras. "So, we fired I don't know 20-30 warning shots into his black neighbor. He got the message, and came with us quietly. He's in the breakroom now eating some candy out of the vending … Continue reading Police Fire 20 Warning Shots Into White Suspect’s Black Neighbor
Fake Crowd Noise Boos Bengals
"We wanted the guys to feel at home," said team owner Mike Brown. "You're a bum, Burrow" yelled hecklers, prerecorded at Cincinnati bars
McConnell: It’d Be Pretty Hypocritical Of Me To Not Be A Hypocrite At This Point
WASHINGTON "I don't know what else I can do to show you who I am," the Senate Majority leader explained to Democrats. "I have no higher standards, no qualms, no principles whatsoever. I'm not a wolf in sheep's clothing. I'm a snake with obvious glandular issues. I was once so deep into hypocrisy that the … Continue reading McConnell: It’d Be Pretty Hypocritical Of Me To Not Be A Hypocrite At This Point
Trump Offers Free MAGA Hat To The Lucky 200,000th Covid Victim
"The radical left never gives me any credit. They gave Obama credit, but not me," Trump told supporters. "I'm generous. Very, very generous. These hats are look good on just about everyone. I mean, if you don't look good to begin with, probably not you. But I'm giving one away soon. Very, very soon. CNN … Continue reading Trump Offers Free MAGA Hat To The Lucky 200,000th Covid Victim
Mom’s Imaginary Pulmonary Embolisms Flaring Up Again
This comes on the heels of a lengthy battle with faux multiple sclerosis. Not to mention that her pretend lupus just went into remission.
Bumper Stickers Most Effective Way To Make People Listen To You When No One Else Will
There's no better way to force your thoughts down the throats of others than to paste those words on a sticker — in all caps and a bold font, of course — and slap that bad boy on the back of your ride until the drivers behind you are bored enough at an extended red light to notice that you have something to say.
‘Everything’s Fine’ Reports President
"I made America great again."
Uh-Oh! Girlfriend Drew Her Eyebrows On Extra Angry Today
Was a special occasion missed? Did Chad fail to notice a new haircut? Was it the comment that he made about the waitress the night before?
Dylan Croaks 30-Minute Epic About Kids In Yard
The song, Trespassing Most Foul, crystallizes Dylan's rage against the injustice of pre-adolescents who show no respect for private property and delicate gardens.
Jaw-Dropping New Book Reveals Trump Not As Nice Or Honest As Everyone Thinks
Legendary journalist Bob Woodward's new book Rage uncovers shocking evidence that President Trump is not a stable genius. Woodward, who also helped unravel the Watergate Scandal, had to do some deep digging to shed light on the President's well-hidden secret: that he is neither smart nor capable. He is neither kind nor honest. He is … Continue reading Jaw-Dropping New Book Reveals Trump Not As Nice Or Honest As Everyone Thinks