"Ugh! You lucky slut! Is that, like, better than Prime??"
Somewhere, Larry King’s Eleventh Wife Has Just Been Born
King flirted with our 25-year-old interviewer and already has a date with her. “No doubt I’ll outlive my eighth, ninth, and tenth wives!” And number eleven? Informed sources confirm she’s just been born, and in eighteen years, will marry the 103-year-old King.
Dog Fondly Remembers Treat From Ten Seconds Ago
"Those were, undoubtedly, the good old seconds.”
Bear Mauling You To Death Had Unhappy Childhood
Sure, you’re losing several quarts of blood a minute, but this is not all about you. Perhaps if you bothered to learn that your crazed interlocutor was mercilessly teased by the other cubs because his fur was “different,” you’d have a more empathetic perspective on the whole situation.
Mom Would Rather Teen Have Sex In Back Seat Where She Can Supervise Than Off God Knows Where
"I could just tell that they were going to go off to some basement drug and orgy party and do it there while the kid's parents were out of town, so I insisted their first time be in the back seat of my BMW while I was driving. This way, I could check that no funny business was happening, and that she'd be home at a reasonable hour. I am not ready to be a grandma."
God Admits He Totally Forgot He Told Trump He Is ‘The Chosen One’
"I was so obviously saying it just to make him stop bothering me for five seconds with his Tweets."
NYPD Makes Plans To Offer A ‘Light Choking’ Option With Each Arrest
"We already know that you don't like being beaten with billy clubs, or getting stomped in the chest by our horses, so we're running out of options."
Man Who Brags About Eating Ass Refuses To Eat Pineapple On Pizza
“My girl could go an entire month without showering and I’d still eat her ass over a slice of Hawaiian pizza any day of the week.”
Bobby Pins Actually Prefer To Be Called Robert Pins
Bobby was fine when I was a young, bright thing in the 1920s, but I'm more mature now, and it's time that I learn to speak up for myself. The name is Robert. Not Bobby. Not Robby. Robert.