"I always type 'give me Google' in the Bing box. Such a smart box, too. It always finds Google! My daughter also told me not to listen to my friends and stop asking Jeeves."
Congress Sets Aside Hundreds Of Dollars To Help Schools Safely Reopen
"This 'Teachers Are Heroes And Caretakers Bill' sends a proud message to the nation and to the world what the United States Congress can accomplish when our feet are to the fire," Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said in a press statement. "The THC Bill will give states the freedom to choose how to spend these funds, and we are grateful to be able to show our heroes what they are worth."
Meet The Hot New Miracle Beauty Tool That Stores Can’t Keep On Their Shelves
These masks are a new multi-million dollar market, and it's no wonder why. There has never been another beauty tool that does what these babies do in one second. Simply slip one over your ugly face, and for as little as $2 you can instantly transform your skin. It hides dark spots, color-corrects, conceals weak … Continue reading Meet The Hot New Miracle Beauty Tool That Stores Can’t Keep On Their Shelves
Supreme Court Rules ‘Pull Out Method’ The Only Constitutional Contraceptive
"If you'd leave room for the Holy Spirit like you're supposed to, you wouldn't need birth control," wrote Justice Clarence Thomas. "The CDC is telling everyone to stay six feet apart, so this entire thing is simply a waste of the Court's time."
The Clash Admit They Don’t Know What The Hell A Casbah Is Either
"When we used to play it live, we could tell a lot of people in the audience had no idea what "Shareef don't like it, rock the casbah" meant, but it didn't stop them from singing it, just like it doesn't stop us."
God Asks Fellow Deity, ‘Do These Creations Make Me Look Stupid?’
“Look at these people I made, especially the ones of genus ‘Dipshittius Americanus.’ I thought I’d endowed them with brains, common sense, diplomacy, insight, compassion – everything that comes standard in the ‘Decent Human Being’ upgrade package. Yet a lot of them are behaving like complete whack jobs. You’d think I downgraded them to the ‘Mother Fucking Asshole’ package.”
Nation’s Impoverished Still Waiting For Arrival Of Bootstrap Shipment
"Fifty years ago, our bootstrap supply was flourishing. But with our current state of manufacturing, we haven't successfully received a bootstrap since 1992. Truthfully, the only viable alternative at this point would be to seize the means of bootstrap production."
If You Idiots Hadn’t Declared Independence, You’d All Have Universal Healthcare Right Now
Last I heard, Britain didn't have hospitals running out of beds and bankrupting millions, but by all means, enjoy having to pay slightly less for tea.
Homeless Man Overcomes Alcoholism After Wise Scholar Donates Sandwich Instead Of Cash
"Yes, money is the only real tool to acquire resources," said the vagabond. "But this sage benefactor knew that I would just spend that money on alcohol. By donating food instead, he freed me from this mental prison and showed me you can overcome anything with enough sandwiches. I can only thank him for knowing what's best for me, more than I ever could."
Epstein’s Girlfriend Arrested For Role In Sex Trafficking Ring
Bradford, NH— Former girlfriend of Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell, was arrested Thursday by the FBI and charged with playing a key role in his alleged sex-trafficking operation. Witnesses describe Maxwell as frail and struggling to walk, and one said that he cannot possibly see a judge being too harsh on such a poor woman. "She … Continue reading Epstein’s Girlfriend Arrested For Role In Sex Trafficking Ring