What a deal!
U.S. Surpasses 500,000 Conspiracy Theories
The Center for Disease Control has announced that the United States will soon mark 500,000 conspiracy theories. "Only about half of these theories are directly related to COVID-19," said Dr. Anthony Fauci. "There are the familiar stories about Bill Gates implanting Microsoft products within the vaccine, and a (still alive) Jeff Epstein using COVID-19 wards … Continue reading U.S. Surpasses 500,000 Conspiracy Theories
Mars Rover Ruins First Shot By Accidentally Having Camera In Selfie Mode
After an exciting journey, the Perseverance gave space-enthusiasts everywhere a front row view itself taking in the sights of the red planet. It took hours to correct the problem, there it was, just snapping away like Grandpa visiting Japan for the first time since the war. "My God, it's spectacular," exclaimed NASA's Acting Administrator Steve … Continue reading Mars Rover Ruins First Shot By Accidentally Having Camera In Selfie Mode
Republicans Blame ‘Global Warming Or Whatever Libs Call It’ On AOC’s Hot Body
"Not that it's real, but whatever was causing all of Texas to be caught under an avalanche, supposed 'global warming' or whatever nonsense hooey, it is clear that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is at fault," Senator Ted Cruz told reporters. "It's just like what Tucker Carlson says, 'How's the weather supposed to pay attention to what it's … Continue reading Republicans Blame ‘Global Warming Or Whatever Libs Call It’ On AOC’s Hot Body
Desperate Freezing Texans Have Eaten Ezekiel Elliot
“Ezekiel Elliot drove through my neighborhood to hand out bottled water to people in need, but as he was bending over to open a new case, we couldn't help but notice how muscular and inviting his legs were. I leaned in for just a little bite.”
Ted Cruz Recommends All Fellow Texans Fly To Cancún Until Snowstorm Passes
"I went to Mexico because I love my family. I'm a good dad. If you love your family, you should go too. Our pipe's are frozen. Or our windmills, something like that. All I know is it's AOC's fault, and it's cold af here," Cruz told reporters at the airport. "Geez, get off my back. … Continue reading Ted Cruz Recommends All Fellow Texans Fly To Cancún Until Snowstorm Passes
Trump Supporters Storm The Capitol Again To Celebrate Acquittal
"DON'T TREAD ON ME, NANCY!!" protestors chanted at the monthly Capitol insurrection, fresh from a Presidents' Day clearance sale at Bass Pro Shops.
Acquitted: Senate Finds Trump Not Guilty Of Doing The Things He Did
The Senate falls short again of convicting President Trump. The case was an uphill battle as most Republican Senators cannot vote their conscious because they do not have one. "We believe he is not guilty of doing things he did or of saying the things he said," Mitch McConnell explained. "Frankly, there was no evidence … Continue reading Acquitted: Senate Finds Trump Not Guilty Of Doing The Things He Did
Trojan Selling Face Shields For Lovers
*CDC recommended*
Trump’s Lawyer Admits He Forgot He Was Supposed To Be Defending Him
After a sham of an opening statement, attorney Bruce Castor sheepishly admitted he completely forgot that he was part of Trump's defense team. I realize I pointed out that I know the difference between prosecution and defense, and I swear I do, but I got about 45 minutes in and realized that the ones nodding … Continue reading Trump’s Lawyer Admits He Forgot He Was Supposed To Be Defending Him