In an unfortunate incident that could have turned deadly, President Biden's Secret Service detail left him in the backseat after failing to notice he was not with them as they entered the White House. "It's not the first time," admits Director Kimberly Cheatle. "The hum of the car knocks him right out. Sometimes they leave … Continue reading Secret Service Admits To Forgetting Biden In Backseat As Temps Near Triple Digits
Trump Offers Hush Money To Grand Jurors
Donald Trump was disappointed that his offer of hush money to New York grand jurors was ignored. "I don't know what happened. I offered them two nights at Mar-a-Lago and $100 in casino credits. I only needed 11 votes. Maybe the non-disclosure agreements were too much." Trump remains confident he can still quash the indictment. … Continue reading Trump Offers Hush Money To Grand Jurors
Will Smith Apologizes To Chris Rock For Raw-Dogging His Fat Skank Mom
"I'd like to apologize to everyone I hurt, and since that little whiny ass b- won't take my phone call like a real man so that I can be the bigger person and quit having everyone around me get all flinchy every time I go to swing at them, I'm making this video. I'd like … Continue reading Will Smith Apologizes To Chris Rock For Raw-Dogging His Fat Skank Mom
Conservatives Glad All Babies Will Now Be Given Chance To Be Shot In Classroom
"This is such an important time in our nation's history! Trump 2024!! God bless all the guns that these little babies will get to hold and maybe even run from."
Man Guesses He Won’t Read Rest Of Abortion Article Since He’d Have To Pay For It
"Sure, I'd have loved to see the story fully developed, but I'm certainly not going to give them my money."
Putin Threatens ‘In Every Russian Nuke Is 6 Gradually Smaller Nukes And Finally Baby Nuke’
"The world should not only fear the big nuke they can see," began Putin in a press conference, "but they should fear the other nesting nukes. Inside every Russian nuke is 6 gradually smaller nukes, and finally the baby nuke. The baby nuke is the most powerful, for one day, inside it will nest other … Continue reading Putin Threatens ‘In Every Russian Nuke Is 6 Gradually Smaller Nukes And Finally Baby Nuke’
Walmart To Stop Following Black Customers Around The Store For Month Of February
"This is part of our continued efforts to right the wrongs of this company," Walmart CEO Doug McMillon said of their pledge to stop following black customers throughout their stores. "We know that our standard policy is often viewed as racist, or something, so to honor Black History Month, we figured this was the absolute … Continue reading Walmart To Stop Following Black Customers Around The Store For Month Of February
Whoopi To Use Her Suspension As Time To Think About What It Means To Be A Goldberg
After making controversial remarks about the Holocaust, Whoopi Goldberg, currently in her 32nd year hosting ABC's The View, pledges to use her suspension to think about what it truly means to be a Goldberg. "Am I a race? Am I a religion? Am I even Jewish? How can I turn this suspension into a firing?" … Continue reading Whoopi To Use Her Suspension As Time To Think About What It Means To Be A Goldberg
Biden Orders 500 Million More Covid Tests Back To The Sea
"Get thee away from here!"
Santa Leaves Poor Kids A Letter Warning The Perils Of Raising Minimum Wage
"I know you are probably dreading the return to school where all your friends and teachers will excitedly discuss their favorite presents and little trips their families took over Christmas break, but this year you will not come empty-handed to the conversation. I'm gifting you information," the letter opened. "Did you know that raising the … Continue reading Santa Leaves Poor Kids A Letter Warning The Perils Of Raising Minimum Wage