"Congress has been very mean to me. The Press hates me. Nobody seems to care. I think I'll move to Australia."
I wish more people were like me: race-blind, color-blind, and their-own-dick-blind. If everyone were like that, and if certain people whose race and color I am unable to see would stay the hell out of nice neighborhoods like mine, I assure you our whole society would be a lot better off.
"A little to the left. Bit further...bit further...yes! That's perfect. Now smile!"
“I was wrapping up the manuscript when I realized I left out how humans calculate airfares. I plugged literally trillions of itineraries into travel sites looking for a pattern and I still can’t figure it out!”
This explains why thoughts and prayers aren't being answered after every school shooting, pandemic, or when a professional team loses a big game.
"I felt some seismic energy, and ran to the mirror—where low and behold, I could just make out the slightest curvature of a testis, I think it's the left one."
It's just common logic.
Said one dissenter, "Although I am regularly content, and am cognizant of said emotion, I do not have the desire to demonstrate my glee with a public display of applause."
Amidst the growing number of ICE raids, migrant field workers have begun dressing in deceptive garb in hopes of eluding agents. Convervative pundits are expressing outrage, claiming it to be a sinister tactic to steal opportunities from white Americans who spend autumn weekends paying exorbitant prices to pick their own fruit with their families.