WASHINGTON Historians agree that when the framers of the Constitution made the Vice President serve as the president of the Senate, they certainly never envisioned that title to be held by Mike Motherfucking Pence. "The president of the Senate is 'the custodian of the ballot.' Sure, John Adams was a feckless elitist, but he wasn't … Continue reading RED ALERT: All That Stands Between Democracy And Anarchy Is Mike Motherfucking Pence
Trump loses again.
“I'm really proud of this team and ownership,” exclaimed Raiders head coach John Gruden. “To be able to stand here - at this podium and not outside because a casino took ownership of the stadium after a bad streak at blackjack - is a victory itself!”
ATLANTA- "I couldn't believe it when I saw that sweet influx hit my bank account," reported 31-year-old Magnus Palmona. "I probably should have bought some stock or something, but without a moment of thought, I suddenly found myself paying half of what I owed on July's rent. You got to start somewhere, am I right? … Continue reading Sucker Blows $600 Stimulus On Half Of July’s Back Rent
WASHINGTON In a lawsuit filed with the Supreme Court Thursday, ubershyster Rudy Giuliani asked the Court to declare the date to be September 23rd. In a press conference held in the parking lot of Supreme Video, Giuliani produced several witnesses who claimed to have witnessed incidents of calendar fraud. "I saw a truck with dozens … Continue reading Giuliani Claims Calendar Fraud
"We're hoping to spike racism in the face."
As various family members passed from the living room to the kitchen for a snack, they unsuccessfully tried to persuade Mom that she had already seen the Hallmark movie she was watching. "Hey, isn't this the one where the handsome developer comes to town to take over Danica McKellar's bakery," asked Amy? "I don't know," … Continue reading Family Pretty Sure Mom Has Already Seen This Hallmark Movie
WASHINGTON— Distracted by tweeting over the election, President Trump was disappointed by news on Fox & Friends that white-supremacist serial killer Al Anders died by lethal injection on Wednesday. "Damn, I meant to grant that guy a pardon. I must have mixed up the pardon pile with the execution pile. Oh well, at least those … Continue reading Trump Absent-Mindedly Executes Guy He Meant To Pardon
Honestly, it's absurd that we're even trying to make new Christmas music as long as "fiiiiiive goooooooolllld riiiings!" still exists. We will never be able to capture this glory again. Just let it go.
"I remember they had this penny candy, and they didn't just call it that, it was all actually a penny. Mama would send us all down there with a few pennies, I still remember the jingle in my pocket from them, and we'd make our selection. I'd get a big thing of black licorice. A … Continue reading ‘A Loaf Of Bread Cost A Nickel When I Was A Kid’ McConnell Brags Of Huge Stimulus Bill