Matt Gaetz Denies Relationship With 17 Yr Old: I’d Never Go Older Than 15

"Do not believe this smear campaign against me," Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz appealed to voters. "These people have been out to get me since the first time my perfectly coiffed hair entered a 10th grade class on a campaign tour. It is vile to think I'd ever tap a 17-year-old when we all know the … Continue reading Matt Gaetz Denies Relationship With 17 Yr Old: I’d Never Go Older Than 15

Drug Company Develops Vaccine Powder For Florida Residents To Snort

After a rocky rollout of the J&J and Pfizer vaccines in Florida, the New Jersey-based Merk & Co has announced a Sunshine State-specific COVID vaccine. "We know they like dirty needles down there, but Pfizer's being really persnickety about not reusing them. Then it hit us. How can we convince all Floridians to take this … Continue reading Drug Company Develops Vaccine Powder For Florida Residents To Snort

Bernie Wishes He Would Have Thought To Just Give The People Money

"I am shocked, shocked, that the American people are on board with cold hard cash in their sweaty palms," the Senator told reporters. "I remember when Yang was talking about a monthly check, and I thought 'no way, no way would anyone not want to live in abject poverty.' Boy, is my face red. Here … Continue reading Bernie Wishes He Would Have Thought To Just Give The People Money

U.S. Surpasses 500,000 Conspiracy Theories

The Center for Disease Control has announced that the United States will soon mark 500,000 conspiracy theories. "Only about half of these theories are directly related to COVID-19," said Dr. Anthony Fauci. "There are the familiar stories about Bill Gates implanting Microsoft products within the vaccine, and a (still alive) Jeff Epstein using COVID-19 wards … Continue reading U.S. Surpasses 500,000 Conspiracy Theories

Mars Rover Ruins First Shot By Accidentally Having Camera In Selfie Mode

After an exciting journey, the Perseverance gave space-enthusiasts everywhere a front row view itself taking in the sights of the red planet. It took hours to correct the problem, there it was, just snapping away like Grandpa visiting Japan for the first time since the war. "My God, it's spectacular," exclaimed NASA's Acting Administrator Steve … Continue reading Mars Rover Ruins First Shot By Accidentally Having Camera In Selfie Mode

Republicans Blame ‘Global Warming Or Whatever Libs Call It’ On AOC’s Hot Body

"Not that it's real, but whatever was causing all of Texas to be caught under an avalanche, supposed 'global warming' or whatever nonsense hooey, it is clear that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is at fault," Senator Ted Cruz told reporters. "It's just like what Tucker Carlson says, 'How's the weather supposed to pay attention to what it's … Continue reading Republicans Blame ‘Global Warming Or Whatever Libs Call It’ On AOC’s Hot Body