"Every fucking day it’s, 'What time do you work today, Sean?' Like goddamn, fam. My schedule is on the refrigerator. I even text them an image of my schedule every week. Can they not read? And why do they even care?"
Kid Who Burns Ants Wants A Puppy
Burks, a sadistic little bastard since age two, derives pleasure from inhumanely destroying insects and can't wait to be a dog owner.
Couple Who Met Online Can’t Wait To Be Disappointed In Person
“We met, of all places, in a group for fat cats, titled, ‘THIS CAT IS C H O N K Y,’” said Steve, fondly reminiscing about how he ‘met’ Samantha just eight blissful months ago.
Study: Wearing Toe Socks Always A Desperate Cry For Help
When asked on a questionnaire why they wore the socks, almost everyone checked the boxes for “I need the attention people give me,” “Regular socks make me feel lonely and afraid,” and “I can hide little love notes to myself in each toe compartment.”
Your Great Aunt Finally Installed That Free AOL CD, Has Questions For You
By Zachary James Wood
Boring Couple Has Gender Reveal Party Where Nobody Dies
"There was no gore, no action, and a weak plot. Guess you really do change after the first kid," said longtime friend and neighbor Allen Hopple, the faint pink frosting still visible in his mustache.
Whole Foods Losing Market Share To Newly Opened ‘Partial Foods’
“We have it all,” said Michael Mercurio, co-founder. “There are partial pizzas. Half-full boxes of pretzels. Oreos without the cream middle. There’s even a section called ‘Leftovers’ in Aisle 8 where you can buy the remains of other people’s dinners."
U.S. Can’t Help Migrants While There Are Homeless Veterans They’re Also Not Helping
"It is unacceptable to help a Guatemalan who's been here a hot minute, when we have a rich 200 year history of having no intention to help veterans."
T.I. Announces Retirement From Rap To Open Virginity Testing Clinics
"My clinics will provide sexually conscious parents with free or reduced-cost hymen checks for their precious angels, where the parents will be free from harsh judgement and criticism.”