“Many customers were delighted by the unique customization the body of a departed stranger adds to their new, high-performance vehicle, but for those who were not, Tesla is offering full redress.”
Happy That It’ll Be Less Work, Parents Decide To Keep Stillborn Baby
“With Raymond, we’ll never hear a peep out of him. We can take him anywhere! There’ll be way fewer stinky diapers.”
Fox News Exposes Old Photos Of Obama Spitting COVID In Children’s Faces
Tomi Lahren said, "It is clear that this guy was out of control, and drunk on power. He violated every COVID safety protocol, and it is no wonder that Trump has had to spend four years cleaning up this gun-stealing Kenyan Muslim Antichrist's mess."
To Win Over Flat Earthers, NASA Offering One-Way Trips To View Globe
“We don’t want to prejudice the experience with anything round,” said NASA Administrator Jim Bridenstine. “That’s why it’s a one-way trip, not a round trip. The average person would miss nuances like that, but flat-earthers are much smarter than the average person. So much, much smarter.”
‘Remember When Masks Were A Big Deal?’ Reminisces Microchipped Man In 2021
"Back in the good ol' days, you could get by without even wearing a mask if you really didn't want to, but now I gotta get power-washed every time I go out to get my monthly rations."
Gen Z’er Well Aware Analog Clock Says Time Is O’Hands-A-Twelvity
“Boomers keep mocking us for not understanding older technology, but my friends and I all wear retro watches, and they're not that difficult to figure out. Right now, it’s O’Hands-A-Twelvity.”
Parents Tell Kid How Hard They Had To Fuck To Give Him New Baby Sister
"With you, it was easy. A bottle of wine, a broken condom, and here you were nine months later. But this little girl, was a real struggle, I had to track my ovulation cycle like a Sioux Indian looking for clean water." Patting his son on the back, Dad added, "But I pressed on, plowing the shit out of your beautiful mother, heart racing, toes curling, the sorrow of knowing I wouldn't be able to masturbate to pass the time in between—"
Encouraging Study Finds Most Spouses Only Secretly Sleep With Ex Once Or Twice A Year
"Let's face it: I still hook up with my ex, you still hook up with your ex," said the lead researcher. "But what we're finding is that surprisingly, most partners actually avoid having passionate entanglements with old flames at least 90% of the time."
Equality Wins! Meat Processing Plants Now Slaughtering Workers As Well As Animals
“Forcing us to work under deadly conditions proves that management finally acknowledges that we’re as important as the cows, pigs, and chickens we kill.”
Slipknot Cancels Summer Tour To Protect Those Who Don’t Wear Masks
To protect band members and fans alike, Slipknot has announced the cancellation of Knotfest 2020. "Even though we all knew this was coming, we had remained hopeful. We've been doing this for decades to protect ourselves, but not everyone was with us," said lead vocalist Corey Taylor. "Sometimes our band has to sing, and the … Continue reading Slipknot Cancels Summer Tour To Protect Those Who Don’t Wear Masks