"I was using my alt account to send my usual dick pics to random hotties on Instagram - you know, the ones that show some skin and essentially are asking for aggressive sexual reciprocity from appreciative guys like me - but with the photo glitch, all I could send was disappointing attachments that no one woman wants to look at."
"I like to get a bit of everything. Then I just stand in the middle of the road all night long for about a week, and let 'em rip. Then this one M-80 wouldn't light. So I kept at it — perseverance, sacrifice, you know?"
We found M87's Black Hole alone in space, 55 million light years away, exactly where she was discovered. Her name nary uttered on Earth, she spends her days eating her feelings by swallowing colossal amounts of light.
"When I'm exploring the world [violently expelling stout-colored liquid], I'm not thinking about the past or the present. I'm just living."
Despite all of this information being accessible to anyone with Internet access, John S., who has zero Yelp friends and eight other one-star reviews, posted a scathing critique to spread the word that the restaurant "DONT GIV A SHIT ABOUUT CUSTOMERS."
We did trace your ancestry to some wildly beautiful places, rich in culture and history. We also found some truly remarkable people in your lineage. None of this seems to have translated into making you into much of anything.