“To the nation, you have our word that we’ll have 100% of the votes counted in this very close race before or on the day Joe Biden gets sworn in.”
The president will be bringing to the debate stage the biggest, loudest, most fantastic microphone you’ve ever seen, so he can interrupt Biden many times, at any time, and all the time.
"We were shocked to see these high COVID numbers; our warehouses are infamous for being a very fun and very safe environment for our high turnover staff. That said, we're working on making our work conditions safer. On a positive note, we will soon be launching our brand new Prime+ membership where you can expect your deliveries to arrive within an hour after ordering!"
“I still remember in 1995 when the Browns last qualified for the playoffs. What a rush!” Said local loser Aaron Feldman. “This presidential debate will be our new legacy!”
There's no better way to force your thoughts down the throats of others than to paste those words on a sticker — in all caps and a bold font, of course — and slap that bad boy on the back of your ride until the drivers behind you are bored enough at an extended red light to notice that you have something to say.
With the confidence of a triathlon champion and the skillset of a 70-year-old that's been cut off by the bartender, Noah Treliving crouches in preparation for what will undoubtedly be the sweetest achievement of his life.
"I always type 'give me Google' in the Bing box. Such a smart box, too. It always finds Google! My daughter also told me not to listen to my friends and stop asking Jeeves."
"We're all trying our best to isolate lawmaking from religion, and then we see 7 SCOTUS judges raw dogging it in court with religious exemptions? Not safe. Not cool."
"Fifty years ago, our bootstrap supply was flourishing. But with our current state of manufacturing, we haven't successfully received a bootstrap since 1992. Truthfully, the only viable alternative at this point would be to seize the means of bootstrap production."
“Our liberties were at stake during World War 2 just as they are now. Freedom isn't free, and if we need to deploy thousands of troops onto European beaches and take out countless lives so we can have the freedom to tour Europe's many beautiful countries while not wearing masks or social distancing, so be it!”