“Man, if I took all that money I've saved over the last 15 years of marriage by not buying all that overpriced Valentine's Day junk, I could afford to take my wife on trip to Paris! I mean, I won't, because I'd have to get the time off work and then we'd have to get passports and stuff. That's not what either of us want. Ain't that right, babe? Yeah, she don't want no trip to Paris.”
Not To Be Outdone By Gwyneth, Reese Witherspoon Releases Bubble Bath That Smells Like Her Dead Molar
She'll also be competing with Zooey Deschanel, who's developing a lotion that smells like her finger after she digs it around in the dimple above her buttcrack.
Portland To Add Unicycle Lanes To All Freeways
“Adding unicycle lanes to freeways will reduce vehicle traffic and incentivize citizens to do their part for the environment, one wheel at a time.”
Silver Lining: All Of The Spiders Have Survived Australian Wildfires
There have been exactly zero casualties in the arachnid population, if you can believe it. In fact, the spiders appear to be aroused by all the carnage and devastation around them, and have begun mating at an accelerated pace.
Bullshit Thanksgiving Dishes That Even Mini Marshmallows Can’t Save
You would think that this article would start and end at sweet potatoes, but you would be mistaken. There are far more bullshit Thanksgiving dishes besides sweet potatoes that mini marshmallows just cannot salvage. With that said, let's get to the first bullshit dish. Sweet Potatoes: They're a vegetable. They taste like a vegetable. Why on … Continue reading Bullshit Thanksgiving Dishes That Even Mini Marshmallows Can’t Save
Traditional Pumpkin Desserts We No Longer Have To Eat In Order To Survive The Long Winters
You don't have to do this to yourself anymore. You don't have to eat vegetables for dessert and act like they are even close to being in the same genre as cookie dough ice cream or Funfetti cake. It's cool now. We will get through the winter just fine without pumpkins.
Clitoris Of Woman On Antidepressants Just For Decoration Now
I have flicked my little garbanzo bean for hours on end, pulverizing it into hummus. Still no orgasm. It just no longer serves any sort of function other than decoration. Which is fine. Everything is fine. It's a beautiful clitoris and that alone brings me joy.
6 Desserts That Will Fill The Void Where Your Father’s Love Should Be
Jello: Wobbly and unstable like when Daddy was drinking again.
Youth Pastor Translates God’s Divine Word Into Matrix Morpheus Meme
“What if I told you that this poster is the bomb dot com?” youth pastor Dave Englund says to himself, hanging a poster in his church's youth indoor rec room/folding chair storage room.
Jared Leto Gains 400 lbs For Upcoming Biopic About Your Mom
Leto made news during the filming of the project after your dad said it was chilly outside, causing Leto to run outdoors with a spoon. The extra weight he was sporting caused the actor to lose his balance, inadvertently stepping on a crack and breaking his own back. We at Unsubscribed wish him a full recovery.