Dearborn, MI— "I've spent a lot of time researching the best ways to feng shui. I want to respect the tradition, and not go around white-washing history. It's an ancient art form, and she'll be here in 3-4 weeks," Gordon Reese told his roommate, Brian Garry. Upon further questioning, Garry reported it became clear to … Continue reading Guy Likes Feng Shui As Long As Feng Shui Means Have Sex With Blowup Dolls
Phoenix, AZ— "I'm sick of all this BLM stuff, and people calling me a racest POS just because I think all lives matter and that everyone is just a bunch of whiny snowflake fucktards," Carl Larusa posted on Facebook. "I can hate whoever I want, white people, black people, purple people. Get the fuck over … Continue reading Guy Who’s Not Racist Weirdly Assumes Anti-Racist Post About Him
"I promise to do better. Thank you for your understanding, as we all work to navigate these uncharted waters with this thick neck, slim dick of a captain. God bless."
"With you, it was easy. A bottle of wine, a broken condom, and here you were nine months later. But this little girl, was a real struggle, I had to track my ovulation cycle like a Sioux Indian looking for clean water." Patting his son on the back, Dad added, "But I pressed on, plowing the shit out of your beautiful mother, heart racing, toes curling, the sorrow of knowing I wouldn't be able to masturbate to pass the time in between—"
"Even fake-ass slut balls can get by with just one mask. Don't go posting on social media that a store only let you buy one, but that you needed a second because you know you're a lying, two-faced bitch,"
"I always vote Red — but once a week, I allow myself to make love to a gentleman."
"Due to the countless hands that have touched them, PIN pads are a breeding ground for germs," a spokesperson for the CDC told reporters. "We're advising that users use a dick to punch in their PIN. We realize that only about half of the population is in possession of a penis, so we're asking that … Continue reading CDC Recommends Touching PIN Pad With Dick To Avoid Dirty Hands
Sources close to the White House have confirmed that Vice President Mike Pence has repeatedly expressed interest in a solid probe. He has talked of this moment since long before the election, and seems more joyful as the time for it draws near. "I would like Mother to be present for it, but I understand … Continue reading Despite Protest, Pence Is Secretly Looking Forward To A Good Probe
Of course, you didn't need a DNA test to tell you this.