"Did you see what we did to those tea-sipping, britches-wearing, pip-pipping lobster backs back in 1776? And the Nazis? Don't forget the Nazis. The French'd be speaking German if it wasn't for us. Hell, we even kicked our own asses that one time," a slurred of speech United States spent their birthday rambling on about. … Continue reading Drunk Nation Spends Entire Birthday Promising To Kick Everyone’s Asses
After one Florida high school has taken heat this week for editing "inappropriate" photos, another overcorrected, making an entirely new mistake all their own. Manatee High School's yearbook staff hastily added some deep cleave to all. the. photos. Even Frankie the Fighting Manatee got a boob job. "We figured we'd go all out," explained the … Continue reading Bizarre Overcorrection: Florida Yearbook Adds Extra Cleavage To All Photos
"I got your gas right here."
"I just can't stand that orange Cheeto."
After a rocky rollout of the J&J and Pfizer vaccines in Florida, the New Jersey-based Merk & Co has announced a Sunshine State-specific COVID vaccine. "We know they like dirty needles down there, but Pfizer's being really persnickety about not reusing them. Then it hit us. How can we convince all Floridians to take this … Continue reading Drug Company Develops Vaccine Powder For Florida Residents To Snort
"I'm one of them now."
"I am shocked, shocked, that the American people are on board with cold hard cash in their sweaty palms," the Senator told reporters. "I remember when Yang was talking about a monthly check, and I thought 'no way, no way would anyone not want to live in abject poverty.' Boy, is my face red. Here … Continue reading Bernie Wishes He Would Have Thought To Just Give The People Money
What a deal!
After an exciting journey, the Perseverance gave space-enthusiasts everywhere a front row view itself taking in the sights of the red planet. It took hours to correct the problem, there it was, just snapping away like Grandpa visiting Japan for the first time since the war. "My God, it's spectacular," exclaimed NASA's Acting Administrator Steve … Continue reading Mars Rover Ruins First Shot By Accidentally Having Camera In Selfie Mode