"Sure, I'd have loved to see the story fully developed, but I'm certainly not going to give them my money."
"The world should not only fear the big nuke they can see," began Putin in a press conference, "but they should fear the other nesting nukes. Inside every Russian nuke is 6 gradually smaller nukes, and finally the baby nuke. The baby nuke is the most powerful, for one day, inside it will nest other … Continue reading Putin Threatens ‘In Every Russian Nuke Is 6 Gradually Smaller Nukes And Finally Baby Nuke’
After making controversial remarks about the Holocaust, Whoopi Goldberg, currently in her 32nd year hosting ABC's The View, pledges to use her suspension to think about what it truly means to be a Goldberg. "Am I a race? Am I a religion? Am I even Jewish? How can I turn this suspension into a firing?" … Continue reading Whoopi To Use Her Suspension As Time To Think About What It Means To Be A Goldberg
"Get thee away from here!"
"I don't know who to talk to about this, but I have some concerns about these vaccines. They're just so gosh darn spicy. It must be that Fauci. That name sounds foreign, and I know how they can be. It's too much. I need a mild dose."
"I am so happy for Caeleb Dressel. Happy. So happy. I am so happy, you know? To see all I worked for in the rearview mirror. It's a great feeling. I love it here. I love being a commentator, and I don't even miss the pool at all. How many medals does one man need? … Continue reading Phelps Got Hello Kitty Tramp Stamp To Celebrate Tokyo Olympics, Not Because He Got Sad And Drunk
"Did you see what we did to those tea-sipping, britches-wearing, pip-pipping lobster backs back in 1776? And the Nazis? Don't forget the Nazis. The French'd be speaking German if it wasn't for us. Hell, we even kicked our own asses that one time," a slurred of speech United States spent their birthday rambling on about. … Continue reading Drunk Nation Spends Entire Birthday Promising To Kick Everyone’s Asses
After one Florida high school has taken heat this week for editing "inappropriate" photos, another overcorrected, making an entirely new mistake all their own. Manatee High School's yearbook staff hastily added some deep cleave to all. the. photos. Even Frankie the Fighting Manatee got a boob job. "We figured we'd go all out," explained the … Continue reading Bizarre Overcorrection: Florida Yearbook Adds Extra Cleavage To All Photos
"I got your gas right here."