"I don't know who to talk to about this, but I have some concerns about these vaccines. They're just so gosh darn spicy. It must be that Fauci. That name sounds foreign, and I know how they can be. It's too much. I need a mild dose."
"I am so happy for Caeleb Dressel. Happy. So happy. I am so happy, you know? To see all I worked for in the rearview mirror. It's a great feeling. I love it here. I love being a commentator, and I don't even miss the pool at all. How many medals does one man need? … Continue reading Phelps Got Hello Kitty Tramp Stamp To Celebrate Tokyo Olympics, Not Because He Got Sad And Drunk
"Did you see what we did to those tea-sipping, britches-wearing, pip-pipping lobster backs back in 1776? And the Nazis? Don't forget the Nazis. The French'd be speaking German if it wasn't for us. Hell, we even kicked our own asses that one time," a slurred of speech United States spent their birthday rambling on about. … Continue reading Drunk Nation Spends Entire Birthday Promising To Kick Everyone’s Asses
After one Florida high school has taken heat this week for editing "inappropriate" photos, another overcorrected, making an entirely new mistake all their own. Manatee High School's yearbook staff hastily added some deep cleave to all. the. photos. Even Frankie the Fighting Manatee got a boob job. "We figured we'd go all out," explained the … Continue reading Bizarre Overcorrection: Florida Yearbook Adds Extra Cleavage To All Photos
"I got your gas right here."
"I just can't stand that orange Cheeto."
After a rocky rollout of the J&J and Pfizer vaccines in Florida, the New Jersey-based Merk & Co has announced a Sunshine State-specific COVID vaccine. "We know they like dirty needles down there, but Pfizer's being really persnickety about not reusing them. Then it hit us. How can we convince all Floridians to take this … Continue reading Drug Company Develops Vaccine Powder For Florida Residents To Snort
"I'm one of them now."
"I am shocked, shocked, that the American people are on board with cold hard cash in their sweaty palms," the Senator told reporters. "I remember when Yang was talking about a monthly check, and I thought 'no way, no way would anyone not want to live in abject poverty.' Boy, is my face red. Here … Continue reading Bernie Wishes He Would Have Thought To Just Give The People Money