Drug Company Develops Vaccine Powder For Florida Residents To Snort

After a rocky rollout of the J&J and Pfizer vaccines in Florida, the New Jersey-based Merk & Co has announced a Sunshine State-specific COVID vaccine. "We know they like dirty needles down there, but Pfizer's being really persnickety about not reusing them. Then it hit us. How can we convince all Floridians to take this … Continue reading Drug Company Develops Vaccine Powder For Florida Residents To Snort

Bernie Wishes He Would Have Thought To Just Give The People Money

"I am shocked, shocked, that the American people are on board with cold hard cash in their sweaty palms," the Senator told reporters. "I remember when Yang was talking about a monthly check, and I thought 'no way, no way would anyone not want to live in abject poverty.' Boy, is my face red. Here … Continue reading Bernie Wishes He Would Have Thought To Just Give The People Money

Mars Rover Ruins First Shot By Accidentally Having Camera In Selfie Mode

After an exciting journey, the Perseverance gave space-enthusiasts everywhere a front row view itself taking in the sights of the red planet. It took hours to correct the problem, there it was, just snapping away like Grandpa visiting Japan for the first time since the war. "My God, it's spectacular," exclaimed NASA's Acting Administrator Steve … Continue reading Mars Rover Ruins First Shot By Accidentally Having Camera In Selfie Mode

Republicans Blame ‘Global Warming Or Whatever Libs Call It’ On AOC’s Hot Body

"Not that it's real, but whatever was causing all of Texas to be caught under an avalanche, supposed 'global warming' or whatever nonsense hooey, it is clear that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is at fault," Senator Ted Cruz told reporters. "It's just like what Tucker Carlson says, 'How's the weather supposed to pay attention to what it's … Continue reading Republicans Blame ‘Global Warming Or Whatever Libs Call It’ On AOC’s Hot Body

Ted Cruz Recommends All Fellow Texans Fly To CancĂșn Until Snowstorm Passes

"I went to Mexico because I love my family. I'm a good dad. If you love your family, you should go too. Our pipe's are frozen. Or our windmills, something like that. All I know is it's AOC's fault, and it's cold af here," Cruz told reporters at the airport. "Geez, get off my back. … Continue reading Ted Cruz Recommends All Fellow Texans Fly To CancĂșn Until Snowstorm Passes

Acquitted: Senate Finds Trump Not Guilty Of Doing The Things He Did

The Senate falls short again of convicting President Trump. The case was an uphill battle as most Republican Senators cannot vote their conscious because they do not have one. "We believe he is not guilty of doing things he did or of saying the things he said," Mitch McConnell explained. "Frankly, there was no evidence … Continue reading Acquitted: Senate Finds Trump Not Guilty Of Doing The Things He Did

Trump’s Lawyer Admits He Forgot He Was Supposed To Be Defending Him

After a sham of an opening statement, attorney Bruce Castor sheepishly admitted he completely forgot that he was part of Trump's defense team. I realize I pointed out that I know the difference between prosecution and defense, and I swear I do, but I got about 45 minutes in and realized that the ones nodding … Continue reading Trump’s Lawyer Admits He Forgot He Was Supposed To Be Defending Him