WASHINGTON- "This is standard operating procedure," assured Secret Service Director James M. Murray. "We have done this at the end of every modern President's term, but you're just hearing about it now because one of our team members thought it would be funny to post it to his Twitter account. Yes, absolutely we always do … Continue reading White House Secret Service Conduct Drills To Ensure Peaceful Transition Of Power
"But her emails! That's where she had them," President Trump explained on Twitter. "I paid off Stormy, and then I paid off the IRS. She offered to keep record, but lying, crooked, crooked Killary. The good Americans will see through all of this. Sad. Obama wasn't even born here."
"We wanted to bring in our boy without any injuries, Captain says that's real important now," Lt. Andrews told the cameras. "So, we fired I don't know 20-30 warning shots into his black neighbor. He got the message, and came with us quietly. He's in the breakroom now eating some candy out of the vending … Continue reading Police Fire 20 Warning Shots Into White Suspect’s Black Neighbor
WASHINGTON "I don't know what else I can do to show you who I am," the Senate Majority leader explained to Democrats. "I have no higher standards, no qualms, no principles whatsoever. I'm not a wolf in sheep's clothing. I'm a snake with obvious glandular issues. I was once so deep into hypocrisy that the … Continue reading McConnell: It’d Be Pretty Hypocritical Of Me To Not Be A Hypocrite At This Point
"The radical left never gives me any credit. They gave Obama credit, but not me," Trump told supporters. "I'm generous. Very, very generous. These hats are look good on just about everyone. I mean, if you don't look good to begin with, probably not you. But I'm giving one away soon. Very, very soon. CNN … Continue reading Trump Offers Free MAGA Hat To The Lucky 200,000th Covid Victim
"I made America great again."
Was a special occasion missed? Did Chad fail to notice a new haircut? Was it the comment that he made about the waitress the night before?
WASHINGTON— "More fake news. These mainstream radical left reporters never get it right," Trump said from the Rose Garden. "It's not just those who die in war, it's all of them. McCain didn't die in battle. Loser. Captured, but can't even do it right. What a sucker. People say I faked my way out of … Continue reading Trump Explains He Actually Called Entire U.S. Military Losers, Not Just The Dead Ones
After cutting out their Mexican Pizza, pico de gallo, shredded chicken, 7-Layer Burrito, Nachos Supreme, the Beefy Fritos Burrito, and several other items from the menu, Taco Bell's CEO made the decisions to just sell bells. "Taco Bell means quality. With increased sanitation regulations, plant closures, and workers who can't be bothered to make a … Continue reading Taco Bell Further Streamlines Menu, Now Only Selling Bells
San Francisco, CA— After being caught on camera violating a San Francisco city ordinance that prevents salons from operating indoors, Speaker Nancy Pelosi chopped off her own bangs to protest the public's ridicule. "Look at what you've done to me! Is this what you want? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?" Pelosi shouted, gripping a pair of … Continue reading Pelosi Cuts Own Bangs After Being Shamed For Illegal Salon Visit