Said Biden, “If it looks like a woman, and wears clothes like a woman, it’s a woman. Barry’ll also be talking in a high voice and wearing perfume, so he’ll even sound and smell like a woman. If you’re all gonna cling to the technicality of anatomical parts, don’t forget that I support adopting whatever gender identity you choose. And for the next eight years, my VP here chooses female.”
“Look at these people I made, especially the ones of genus ‘Dipshittius Americanus.’ I thought I’d endowed them with brains, common sense, diplomacy, insight, compassion – everything that comes standard in the ‘Decent Human Being’ upgrade package. Yet a lot of them are behaving like complete whack jobs. You’d think I downgraded them to the ‘Mother Fucking Asshole’ package.”
"I wondered why God spared me, and started praying that the search party would find us before…and then I hear it. It was just a quiet whimper at first. And then it gets louder and louder, and I’m like, yep, I’d recognize that cry anywhere. That little mother-fucker is still balling his eyes out. How long am I going to have to lie here and listen to this?! Can’t the parents shut him up? Jesus!”
“Damn. I forget them every time I leave the house.”
“With Raymond, we’ll never hear a peep out of him. We can take him anywhere! There’ll be way fewer stinky diapers.”
“It’s so horrible to lose Jason,” said the teen’s father. “I was sure he’d end up in the NFL or President of the United States. His mother and I will mourn him and miss him forever. Shame about Mary, too, I guess.”
"Man, my inhabitants have like no self-control," said our annoyed planet. "Today was supposed to celebrate me, and instead, it's all about these fatsos."
"Hey there. Are you OK?"
According to sources on the scene, Francisco Garcia, entering week four of quarantine, was over an hour into his engaging, 3:30 AM conversation with Mr. Refrigerator and Señorita Dishwasher before he noticed that Professor Stove had remained silent.
Can't be too careful.