"It might not be 'exploitation’. It might merely be ‘capitalizing on the weak and lovelorn among us.’ Or ‘taking advantage of those with bad childhoods.’ Or ‘abusing abuse victims.’ Or ‘commercializing the mistreatment of the emotionally susceptible.’ Or ‘manipulating doe-eyed whimpering barely-adults like they’re starving cheese-chasing maze rats."
After forty feet of the A.T. was found to be too close to a precipice, rangers have begun the huge task of moving the entire Maine-to-Georgia trail over a smidge.
Said the mother of twins, "Facebookers comment on my photos with 'can’t believe how old they’re getting' or 'wow, so big!' and I’m like, really? It’s been all this time and they’re still short, young, and annoying.”
Said the refrigerator, "More often than not this garage is at 32° or below. I’m set to keep food at 38°. So I end up having to HEAT food instead of chilling it! I’ve become the laughing stock of all self-respecting refrigerators."
In a private text intercepted between Schiff and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, Schiff revealed his optimism. “I think they’ll go for it, and then we’ll be set. No doubt there’s more damning evidence inside that endless bushy mustache than we could possibly dream of.”
Subaru CEO Tomomi Nakamura breathed a sigh of relief, “We can finally put all of this behind us.”
"We wondered why it was so much colder than usual."
Clinton has offered to whip out her most secure server and email those suckers over right now, using the officially recognized address of ConvictThatFucker@senate.com.
"Please don’t send me any more gifts of gold cross pendants. Have plenty."
“Really. Go ahead and cut us down just to become greeting cards that get thrown in the trash.”