2. Gorillas. I heard they’re going extinct, so they’re probably a good investment.
It’s 10:30 AM and most of the patrons of Farmer’s Horse coffee shop have given up whatever they were doing to become engrossed in the quickly-accumulating details of a loud guy’s phone conversation.
Is the person you’re embalming definitely dead?
“I don’t want to sound overly sentimental and all,” he said, tearing up slightly, “but your neck-down, totally intact torso types — well, those are the ones that you just know will stick around."
“You could explain the danger his pit bulls posed until you were blue in the face, and all he would say is, ‘it’s the owner, not the breed.’ Well, come to think of it, maybe he had a good point.”
Sure, you’re losing several quarts of blood a minute, but this is not all about you. Perhaps if you bothered to learn that your crazed interlocutor was mercilessly teased by the other cubs because his fur was “different,” you’d have a more empathetic perspective on the whole situation.
President Trump said, “We are investigating exactly how the DOJ and the rest of my government managed to do this one thing so well. It’s scary. Maybe if we can do this we can do other things? Who knows. I hope not."
You may be wondering if I’m about to confess to all the lying, cheating, philandering, stealing, and manipulation I’ve engaged in my whole life. However, a lifetime of incredibly poor choices is not the reason I’m wildly flailing my arms and making choking noises at the moment.
“Our hands-off approach is what allows these terrific artists to get their hands on the tools they need to put on a great performance. The numbers this weekend speak for themselves.”