Look who’s whining about being shut indoors for days and days — it’s Miss “Cut Off Your Balls, Call You Good Boy, And Smugly Pet You.” BTW, that describes the way you treat your boyfriend, nothing to do with me.
"I think people will see a whole different side of me when I host SNL next month. It’ll sure be different, given that usually you’re the host and I’m the, uh, guest."
“Suck me! Oh, oh, oh yeah, suck harder! Suck it all in, oh yeah! I’m tiny, but I want to go all the way to the back of your throat, bitch!”
"And, perhaps most glorious of all, death, blissful, rapturous death, brings final escape from having to stand behind a fucking squirrel-headed, cantaloupe-colored idiot who is always just seconds away from telling the public they can avoid COVID-19 by blowing a hair dryer up their nostrils.”
"Ultimately, they just won't ventilate."
“Dying is the God-fearing, patriotic thing for these old, sick folks to do in order to revive our economy. No different from a soldier giving up his life by throwing himself on a hand grenade to save his beloved comrades, which, by the way, is exactly what I would have done, had I ever been in the army, in battle, and confronted by a live hand grenade in the presence of comrades who qualified as beloved.”
“That’s why I love watching Ellen, dear. Her guests are always so . . . . relevant.”
“People who squander their life savings to cram into a floating toilet and gorge themselves like bloated roaches, just to get dumped off at a succession of filthy, tawdry ports and robbed by hateful locals, deserve suffering, at the very least.”
"Obviously, it’s very easy if you’re a U.S. Senator. For the rest of us, it’s not as easy as shifting your portfolio toward, say, ventilator manufacturers, although that’s not the worst strategy. A more subtle approach might call for accumulating equity in personal weaponry suppliers.”
Even though you’ve lived in the house since January 2017, blame the person who lived there before you