Now he’s pulled out the Weber and — oh Christ. He’s crying.
Trump Reveals He Also Mainlining LSD, Coke, Heroin, Orange Dye
“I’m not saying I shoot heroin, but I just said it. Not that I’m saying it. Acid, shrooms, Bolivian marching powder. Bolivia. Great city.”
Tesla Recalling Cars Shipped With Dead, COVID-Infected Workers Inside
“Many customers were delighted by the unique customization the body of a departed stranger adds to their new, high-performance vehicle, but for those who were not, Tesla is offering full redress.”
To Win Over Flat Earthers, NASA Offering One-Way Trips To View Globe
“We don’t want to prejudice the experience with anything round,” said NASA Administrator Jim Bridenstine. “That’s why it’s a one-way trip, not a round trip. The average person would miss nuances like that, but flat-earthers are much smarter than the average person. So much, much smarter.”
Gen Z’er Well Aware Analog Clock Says Time Is O’Hands-A-Twelvity
“Boomers keep mocking us for not understanding older technology, but my friends and I all wear retro watches, and they're not that difficult to figure out. Right now, it’s O’Hands-A-Twelvity.”
Equality Wins! Meat Processing Plants Now Slaughtering Workers As Well As Animals
“Forcing us to work under deadly conditions proves that management finally acknowledges that we’re as important as the cows, pigs, and chickens we kill.”
Georgia Police Investigating Ahmaud Arbery For Stealing Bullets
"This certainly seems to be a case of larcenous absorption of ammunition."
Giant Mutant Coronavirus Set To Fight 300 Foot Radioactive Murder Hornet
After wreaking mass ruination on major East Coast cities, and finishing up the destruction of New Jersey begun by the people who live there, Giant Mutant Coronavirus was last seen stomping off toward the American heartland. Simultaneously, on the West Coast, 300 Foot Radioactive Murder Hornet just finished decapitating millions of Californians, causing a few of … Continue reading Giant Mutant Coronavirus Set To Fight 300 Foot Radioactive Murder Hornet
Woman’s Easy-Going, Care-Free Hair Runs Away
“I always knew I had happy-go-lucky, run-away tresses, but still. It’s such a shame, because I just had the roots dyed.”
Embarrassing! This Man Just Died From Natural Causes
The doctor said he died of, like, some thyroid thing. Like, who does that?