By Gwyneth Paltrow
Zack is the first employee I meet in the Amazing Adult Emporium in Providence, Rhode Island, and Zack says no, he’s only there to ring me up, but you can tell that by “ring me up” he means help me put on my new cock ring.
Would you prefer these gorgeous blossoms enwrapped in fuchsia tissue and complimentarily beribboned with a silken bandeau, or you gonna carry them outta here like they just fell out of your asshole two minutes ago?
“When a person is unconscious, others need to make decisions on their behalf. I know I've certainly had to."
By Joe Lichtblau
“I’m sure she was in there at 3 AM, when I came by to feed her her usual breakfast of bull feces slathered with self-righteousness,” said Mark Kelleher, one of the crew tasked with tending to Sanders.
"You say it’s your leader? Jesus Christ. It’s got pretty tiny fins for a leader."
“I was jumping up and down to How You Remind Me,” the Nickelback song that was playing on the float’s sound system moments before the collapse. “Suddenly, I leaped an entire eighth of an inch off the floor. That’s around when it happened.“
However, you’ll need to take a few preparatory steps before you and the labradoodle chomp pigeon together.