"Look, I don’t give a wing-wang-wong what the slanted yellow media says."
“I get a call to deliver to this International Space thing, right? I’m thinking, maybe they’re somewhere up in Bergen County? Whoa! Wrong. Let me put it this way — you get there by taking a pretty unusual exit.”
According to sources on the scene, Francisco Garcia, entering week four of quarantine, was over an hour into his engaging, 3:30 AM conversation with Mr. Refrigerator and Señorita Dishwasher before he noticed that Professor Stove had remained silent.
Ambulances, police, and fire trucks converged on five-year-old Ethan Witkowski’s home this morning after the kindergartener turned in a crayon drawing depicting his family as unclothed, emaciated stick figures with horribly deformed hands.
Yes, children, Peter Cottontail went hippity, hop, hoppin’ down the bunny trail, right into a nasty patch of COVID-19, and now he’s in a magical Bunnyland ICU, in a medically induced coma, his little Leporidae lungs fighting gruesome suffocation from pleural edema exacerbated by cellular necrosis. Hence, we will not be celebrating the Lord’s resurrection … Continue reading Show Your Kids This Picture Of The Easter Bunny On A Ventilator So You Don’t Have To Run Out And Buy Easter Candy
Researchers say the strain of COVID-19 prevalent in New Jersey is a mutation which tends to break the afflicted’s kneecaps, then only turns fatal if “issues” continue.
Look who’s whining about being shut indoors for days and days — it’s Miss “Cut Off Your Balls, Call You Good Boy, And Smugly Pet You.” BTW, that describes the way you treat your boyfriend, nothing to do with me.
"I think people will see a whole different side of me when I host SNL next month. It’ll sure be different, given that usually you’re the host and I’m the, uh, guest."
“Suck me! Oh, oh, oh yeah, suck harder! Suck it all in, oh yeah! I’m tiny, but I want to go all the way to the back of your throat, bitch!”
"And, perhaps most glorious of all, death, blissful, rapturous death, brings final escape from having to stand behind a fucking squirrel-headed, cantaloupe-colored idiot who is always just seconds away from telling the public they can avoid COVID-19 by blowing a hair dryer up their nostrils.”