Would you prefer these gorgeous blossoms enwrapped in fuchsia tissue and complimentarily beribboned with a silken bandeau, or you gonna carry them outta here like they just fell out of your asshole two minutes ago?
“When a person is unconscious, others need to make decisions on their behalf. I know I've certainly had to."
By Joe Lichtblau
“I’m sure she was in there at 3 AM, when I came by to feed her her usual breakfast of bull feces slathered with self-righteousness,” said Mark Kelleher, one of the crew tasked with tending to Sanders.
"You say it’s your leader? Jesus Christ. It’s got pretty tiny fins for a leader."
“I was jumping up and down to How You Remind Me,” the Nickelback song that was playing on the float’s sound system moments before the collapse. “Suddenly, I leaped an entire eighth of an inch off the floor. That’s around when it happened.“
However, you’ll need to take a few preparatory steps before you and the labradoodle chomp pigeon together.
“Nigel comes across as this obnoxious, rude person who you’re embarrassed to be around anywhere, ever. But then, as you get to know him, you realize he is much more God-awful than that. By the way, if you see him, please remind him that he owes me $572.”
The U.K. is about to begin celebrating a uniquely British holiday known as Last Week of May. We met with Dr. Jerome Citron, Professor Emeritus of British Holidays at Oxford University, for more details.