The country's collective feeling of shock was best summed up in a brief interview with a CNN intern who commented “I could have sworn he wasn't a day under 95.”
State Not Properly Social Distancing From Church
"We're all trying our best to isolate lawmaking from religion, and then we see 7 SCOTUS judges raw dogging it in court with religious exemptions? Not safe. Not cool."
Man Misunderstands Wife’s Request For Edible Arrangement
“It's been years since we've done anything like that, but she's been hinting at it for a couple weeks,” said a confused Nathan Moody of his wife, Whitney.
Mom Enjoys Overdue Vacation While Being Hospitalized With Flu
"The salisbury steak is overdone and dry, but, hey, it's hot."
Panhandling White Woman Just Going To Blow It All On Pumpkin Spice Lattes
"I've been trying to beat this for years, but as soon as the leaves turn the slightest shade of orange, it awakens a demon inside me I don't have the strength to fight," she sighs.
Migrant Workers Don Cute New Fall Uniforms To Evade ICE
Amidst the growing number of ICE raids, migrant field workers have begun dressing in deceptive garb in hopes of eluding agents. Convervative pundits are expressing outrage, claiming it to be a sinister tactic to steal opportunities from white Americans who spend autumn weekends paying exorbitant prices to pick their own fruit with their families.
Second Grader Impresses Girls With Full Set Of Grown Up Teeth
When asked to comment on his newfound popularity, Liam casually shrugged it off saying the girls probably just want him for his tooth fairy money.
Choosing The Right Dog For Your Family
If you care about your family, you will stay far away from dogs like this. The smug look on this savage's face screams "I will use my superior sense of style to steal your wife. Your kids call me daddy now."
Company Requires Two Weeks Notice Before Dying
Notice must be submitted in writing and include reason for expiration, as well as the intended date of demise.