"I've been learning how to contour from Kylie Jenner, and I think I'm okay at it. But the winged eyeliner is really killing me. One eye always comes out better than the other. And don't get me started on her brows."
In what sources are calling "a huge victory, folks, lemme tell ya, this is the biggest victory you've ever seen," President Trump has been awarded a $1.4 billion participation trophy for his part in the recent record-breaking, partial government shutdown.