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Mortician Promises To Give The Best Haircut
Local economies are suffering, families are tired of being cooped up together, but most importantly, our bangs have completely grown out.
This St. Paddy’s Day, Nation Practices McSocial O’Distancing
Come one, come.. just one! Here's to you and here's to me, here's to drinking separately as we flatten ye ol' curve! May the road rise up to meet you as you walk all alone, by yourself, away from germs! And may we all be alive this same time next year. Cheers! By Tommi Becker
Deep State Running Out Of Hoax Ideas
It's a labor of love.
At Coronavirus Press Conference, Trump Assures Nation Grabbing By The Pussy Still Okay
"Right now, it is very low level," Trump pontificated. "Cover your cough, avoid touching your face, but grabbing by the pussy is still okay. If we get to the point grabbing by the pussy is not okay, we will immediately raise the alert level."
Prince Harry Picks Up A Few Uber Shifts To Get Family Through To Next Royalty Check
"Things are kind of tight right now, so this will be enough to tide us over a bit. Plus, sometimes I bring Archie along for the ride, and it puts him right to sleep. We'll be okay. Oi — give me a top rating, will ya? Cheers, mates," Prince Harry told the horde of paparazzi … Continue reading Prince Harry Picks Up A Few Uber Shifts To Get Family Through To Next Royalty Check
Small Town In Crisis: Plant Closure Results In Shortage Of Population To Gossip About
"We knew who was going to work at the plant, and who was skipping work to day-drink at the bars. It was based upon our observations we knew who to gossip about... er, I mean, PRAY FOR at church."
Bird Standing In Middle Of Road Has Nothing Left To Live For
Her nest was destroyed by an asshole cat. Her mate left her for a beautiful songbird. She has lost her will to fly. So now it's up to you.
In Rare Interview, God Reveals Danny DeVito His Greatest Human Creation
A smidge too much Cherub and not enough baking powder gave us Patton Oswalt. So close. But Patton doesn't exude the same magic as Danny, you know? There's just something about Danny. I can't keep my eyes off him! Have you seen him in that Philadelphia show? I just want to pinch all of him!
