When you face the facts, it really all boils down to this: I don't live in America. I have never been to America. My president is Ram Nath Kovind. I blame Trump entirely for this, and consider this his biggest failure.
"I get emotional just thinking about it. One minute, they're so tiny. The next minute, they're nearing triple digits."
"This is the Ariel we need. There is no whiter person on this earth than Michael Cera. He looks like a man who is allergic to food seasoning. He probably turns the bass in his sound system all the way down."
If you want to get noticed this summer, you have to go the extra mile. Do you really think you're going to find Ms. Right based off your personality alone? Give me a break. There are millions of men out there with better balls than you, and if you're complacent, you're going to wind up at the bottom of the testicle hierarchy.
"I was using my alt account to send my usual dick pics to random hotties on Instagram - you know, the ones that show some skin and essentially are asking for aggressive sexual reciprocity from appreciative guys like me - but with the photo glitch, all I could send was disappointing attachments that no one woman wants to look at."
"When I'm exploring the world [violently expelling stout-colored liquid], I'm not thinking about the past or the present. I'm just living."
"It combines all the most wretched experiences of humanity: cancer, giving your life for a greater cause, grieving parents, run-on sentences, and ellipses with five dots."