Honestly, it's absurd that we're even trying to make new Christmas music as long as "fiiiiiive goooooooolllld riiiings!" still exists. We will never be able to capture this glory again. Just let it go.
“Yeah, I have been smoking weed since 1994, but this is for my anxiety. It’s not about getting high,” says Nathan Morris while puffing on his 89% THC Blue Dream vape pen, clearly baked.
"No son of mine wears perfume! I've been working in the coal mines all day and you come home smelling...aromatic?"
After losing both of its parents in a horrible sieve accident, a bag of plain flour now has no choice but to become self-raising.
The advent of the modern Mechanical Unmanned Signature Posting Clasp (or "sign post") was feared to be the biggest threat to sign-holding-guy jobs in the 21st century, and the results speak for themselves.
"The Republicans' newest relief package will leave over 10 million Americans without resources, being murdered in a coliseum for sport," explained Pelosi. "However, our progressive new bill will make it illegal to feed more than 5 million people to lions at a given time. And at least 30% have to be women."
By 2040, the entire city of Miami may be buried underneath insufferable assholes.
"Life is a mountain that we're all climbing, but that doesn't mean it's a race. Be sure to stop along the way and eat the roses. Or leaves, weeds, someone's shoelaces, whatever you can find."
"It's important you speak to your children about never entering a strange van, even with a country they trust. My parents always made it sound like I was going to get kidnapped by some government I'd never met, probably with a beard and scars and 'Stan' in their name."
"This strange aberration flies in the face of everything we understood about Caucasian biology. We'll be giving him corrective surgery immediately. It's a miracle he's even held together at all."