Trump assured the nation that he would hold control indefinitely until he feels comfortable handing the job over to his son, who is 36 and already eligible for the presidency.
"I discovered it the other week, and at that time it was about three-quarters full, but when I checked on it this week I found it was nearly empty."
"It really is quite an accomplishment for this great nation," exclaimed William W. Beach, commissioner of the BLS. "It really boiled down to not counting anyone who was unemployed and instead focus our attention on the citizens that were actively employed."
“This is absolute tyranny for these governors to keep me from contracting the coronavirus!”
“There's so much cool shit to see way out here, not like those dull-as-fuck colossal rocks that just sort of blandly float around our shit stain of a 'star.'”
The only way now to satisfy the enigmatic beast is to throw people directly into the pit.
"It was time we put him down."
It is too great of a risk that such dumbass behaviors, like hitting a mechanic in the head with a golf club because he's going too slow, or giving aggressive 'wet willies,' cannot be allowed to pass into the cultural norm of this great nation.
“I can't stand these new artists,” Berner griped, “XXXTentacion, Image Dragons, Ariana Venti... they all sound the same!”
“While it may seem extreme and highly controversial, we see that offing yourself is the fastest way to do away with your debts.”