Washington, D.C. —
Witnesses described an almost unimaginable scene of burned, crushed, and twisted after a radiation-exposed, giant Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tore through Capitol Hill this morning.
In the aftermath, smoldering bits of Zegna suits lay scattered next to tangled heaps of blood-smeared Hermés accessories and quickly discarded Prada footwear throughout the dark, incinerated corridors of the Capitol building. Many politicians, honest landlords, and hardworking job-creators are refusing to emerge from their shelters. “She’ll be back,” they said.
Sources who were present said the merciless, overgrown Congresswoman stomped through the offices, hearing rooms, and hallways of the Capitol, randomly snatching helpless Representatives, Senators, and aides, then loudly crunching their limp frames between her sharp, massive teeth, in between spitting out huge tendrils of deadly flames and bellowing “SOCIALISM! TAXES!”
At one point, a committee of heavily armed Representatives believed they had the Ocasio-Cortez cornered in a committee hearing room. “But,” said a dazed source who survived the ensuing horror, “their ammunition just bounced off the gigantic beast, then she began mowing them down with her razor-like claws and tearing their heads off.”
As night fell on a shaken and devastated Washington, D.C., thousands of firetrucks, police cars, tanks, and armored assault vehicles clogged the city’s closed off boulevards and streets. Investigators could be seen poring over a humongous, legislative dropping left behind by the rampaging behemoth. Meanwhile, hundreds of thousands of misguided millennials gleefully cheered on the carnage on social media.
In the twilight lay a track of vast, ominous footprints, pointing toward the dank lair to which the Ocasio-Cortez stalked off for Congressional recess.
By Joe Lichtblau, Photo Edit: Paul Klingle