In an attempt to purchase the autonomous region of Greenland, President Trump has inadvertently signed the Green New Deal.
While signing the bill, Trump told the press, “This is an amazing act of bipartisanship. Just as soon as I was talking about buying Greenland, the Democrats were kind enough to hand me some kind of great new deal on all green lands. Of course, I signed the papers immediately before they could back down. What a bunch of suckers.” Several Democratic representatives were seen mouthing at the camera, “Shh. Nobody tell him.”
Greenland Prime Minister Kim Kielsen publicly thanked Congress for drafting the bill, partly because it allowed them to avoid developing a relationship with the U.S., but mostly out of gratitude that someone was taking action about the fact that their nation is “literally melting all the goddamn time.”
Trump later reaffirmed his triumph on Twitter. “What a great day for the United States. Greenland’s got a lot of great natural resources, and now they’re all mine. This Green New Deal is a huge win for coal!”