“Looking back, I probably could’ve phrased things differently, but god dammit if the bitch wasn’t acting crazy.” John informed the police officer from his hospital bed, the painkillers finally kicking in.
“I’m tired of hearing all of these stories about women getting roofied, Sara. I’m feeling left out. Am I not good enough to be roofied? I know I’m getting older. Hell, I’ll be 26 soon.”
“Oh honey, not that one. That’s my good Tupperware,” her mom states while quickly snatching the Tupperware out of Sharon’s hands like the container was her precious newborn baby that Sharon was planning on kidnapping and holding for ransom.
"I’m ramming vag on the daily. I’m not coming to them, they’re coming to me, on me, all around me. The moment I hit my vibraslap, the vibrations this thing sends off permeate these women’s panties, and they’re instantly moist."
“Speaking of tools, do you own a tool set at all?” Sam’s dad inquired. “You probably should have one in case of emergencies. Wait. Would you even know how to use a tool? Do you have any interest in learning about tools? If you were a boy you probably would.”
"The death penalty seems drastic, but those of you who have experienced a coworker microwaving the shit out of his shrimp Alfredo leftovers understand how serious this issue really is."
Today, cheese-enthusiasts' minds were blown when Kraft Foods Group, Inc. announced they would be introducing their first ever drinkable cheese. “We’re excited to launch our Probiotic Queso Smoothie. Our consumers' digestive health is important to us, and we wanted a product that reflects this."