"Every fucking day it’s, 'What time do you work today, Sean?' Like goddamn, fam. My schedule is on the refrigerator. I even text them an image of my schedule every week. Can they not read? And why do they even care?"
Couple Who Met Online Can’t Wait To Be Disappointed In Person
“We met, of all places, in a group for fat cats, titled, ‘THIS CAT IS C H O N K Y,’” said Steve, fondly reminiscing about how he ‘met’ Samantha just eight blissful months ago.
T.I. Announces Retirement From Rap To Open Virginity Testing Clinics
"My clinics will provide sexually conscious parents with free or reduced-cost hymen checks for their precious angels, where the parents will be free from harsh judgement and criticism.”
I Love A Good Challenge Which Is Why I Married This Dumbfuck
“He can’t even get all of the chips in his mouth. It’s fascinating to watch, really. The crumbs will be stuck in his beard for days, and then he’ll eat them like they’re some kind of special snack. You could make an entire new bag of chips with all the pieces smashed in between the couch cushions."
Breaking: Trump Also Sought Illegal Election Assistance From President of Puerto Rico
"Well, quite honestly, I was running out of foreign leaders to conspire with, and well, since I was so gracious in tossing out paper towels to his citizens in their time of need, I felt the President owed me a favor or two."
Whistleblower Unaware He’s Going to Commit Suicide Soon
"I’m looking forward to a relaxing vacation with my family. My job is done here. Nothing bad can happen to me now. My identity is protected. The worst for me is over.”
EPA Announces New Pumpkin Spice Asbestos Just In Time For Fall
By Catricia, Photo Edit By Emily Sanchez
American Pharoah Tries Biting The Gay Out Of Mike Pence In New Conversion Biting Therapy
"I’ve won so many races in my lifetime and was ready for a new adventure, so I threw my hooves into gay conversion therapy."
Polls Show Apocalypse Leading In 2020 US Presidential Race
By Catricia, Image Edit By Emily Sanchez