"We kids want tender tendrils of tagliatelle. Sweet strands of spaghetti. Voluminous vats of vermicelli. Not slimy strings of squash. Ca-PEESH?"
Fifth Dentist Really Needs To Lower His Fucking Standards
What makes the 20% so fucking special, and what the fuck do they know that they aren't telling the other 80%?
Rudy Giuliani Denies ‘Lamestream’ Media’s Report Of Dumpster Fire Directly Behind Him
"You people are despicable. Even if there was a fire, which there clearly is not, this is all just another attempt by the lamestream media to bring down President Trump. If Obama started a fire, you'd all be squealing with glee as you roasted your marshmallows on it. But Trump attempts to bribe a few … Continue reading Rudy Giuliani Denies ‘Lamestream’ Media’s Report Of Dumpster Fire Directly Behind Him
Fisher Price Unveils Hottest New Toy: The One That Other Kid Is Playing With
"We are extremely confident that your child will put down whatever toy was previously holding their attention in favor of our hottest new product: whatever that kid over there is having fun with," The Fisher Price keynote speaker claimed.
Praying Mantises Both Looking Forward To Getting Head Tonight
Headline By Andrew Froese
I Named My Goldfish ‘Donald Trump’ So I Won’t Care When It Dies
“I love my goldfish, but I still feel a detachment because of my abject, earth-shattering, stratospheric hatred for the President. That ought to take the sting out of mourning the little fellow!”
Anti-Semite Still Pretty Jazzed About Long Weekend For Rosh Hashanah
"And I guess the apples and honey are fine too."
Survey Finds People With Weird Accents Can’t Understand What They’re Saying Either
"No wuckas, then back to moine for a kick-on in the arvo."
Cleveland Airport Closed Due To Lack Of Interest
“Ohio has long been known as one of many ‘flyover states.’ It was just a matter of time before here in Cleveland we became home to the first ‘flyover airport.’”
Whistleblower Unaware He’s Going to Commit Suicide Soon
"I’m looking forward to a relaxing vacation with my family. My job is done here. Nothing bad can happen to me now. My identity is protected. The worst for me is over.”