The American Psychological Association released a memo advising all US residents to calmly log out of social media, remove their phone battery, and walk slowly toward the ocean.
SpaceX Astronaut Asks To Turn Around Because He Forgot His AirPods
“Damn. I forget them every time I leave the house.”
Cute Animal Pics To Enjoy While You Pretend To Not Benefit From Oppression
Look at these precious pups. They love you, and know that you've had to work so hard to get to where you are today. When you interviewed at your current finance job, nobody even knew that you were the CEO's nephew, probably. Their pink tongues are so adorable! Also, when you were a kid, your … Continue reading Cute Animal Pics To Enjoy While You Pretend To Not Benefit From Oppression
White Dude Always Drops One Asparagus Between The Grill To Honor Fallen Homies
"This one is for you, Conner. Fly high."
Trump’s Executive Order Requires People Say Nice Things About Him
The preferred media for daily praise of the President is via Twitter or Facebook, but exemptions will be granted to people living in shithole countries that might lack internet access. A special White House Hotline will be set up for those who cannot use a computer, to leave voicemails expressing admiration for the President.
Beyond Meat Team Up With Shaggy For ‘It Wasn’t Meat’ Commercial
“Today is a historic day for the merger of the worlds of plant-based foods and 90s R&B,” Beyond Meat CEO Ethan Brown announced.
Speech Pathologist Teaches Dog To Speak, But All He Does Is Quote Borat
Christine Unger is using her expertise as a speech-language pathologist to teach her dog Stan how to “talk” to humans. Stan, who lives in San Francisco with his owner, knows how to communicate several different words and even some sentences. He does so by pressing on a panel of buttons that are programmed to say … Continue reading Speech Pathologist Teaches Dog To Speak, But All He Does Is Quote Borat
Trump Sues Mask Manufacturer Because His Smelled Like Farts
After a thorough questioning of everyone at the Ford plant, President Trump met with his lawyers to devise a lawsuit against the maker of this line of masks. "My mask smells like farts, does yours smell like farts?" Trump quizzed factory workers. Determining that this was some cruel joke orchestrated by the liberal media to … Continue reading Trump Sues Mask Manufacturer Because His Smelled Like Farts
Arby’s Making Pretty Feeble Case For Being Essential
"I guess it's nice that the three cheese roast beef is still here."
On Memorial Day, We Remember The Brave Souls Forced To Wear Masks
Today, as you fire up the grill, remember the brave souls who have burned their Costco cards to defend the American Way of Life.