WASHINGTON In a lawsuit filed with the Supreme Court Thursday, ubershyster Rudy Giuliani asked the Court to declare the date to be September 23rd. In a press conference held in the parking lot of Supreme Video, Giuliani produced several witnesses who claimed to have witnessed incidents of calendar fraud. "I saw a truck with dozens … Continue reading Giuliani Claims Calendar Fraud
New Line In Stimulus Bill Gives Every American Can Of Twisted Tea To Fight Racism
"We're hoping to spike racism in the face."
Family Pretty Sure Mom Has Already Seen This Hallmark Movie
As various family members passed from the living room to the kitchen for a snack, they unsuccessfully tried to persuade Mom that she had already seen the Hallmark movie she was watching. "Hey, isn't this the one where the handsome developer comes to town to take over Danica McKellar's bakery," asked Amy? "I don't know," … Continue reading Family Pretty Sure Mom Has Already Seen This Hallmark Movie
Trump Absent-Mindedly Executes Guy He Meant To Pardon
WASHINGTON— Distracted by tweeting over the election, President Trump was disappointed by news on Fox & Friends that white-supremacist serial killer Al Anders died by lethal injection on Wednesday. "Damn, I meant to grant that guy a pardon. I must have mixed up the pardon pile with the execution pile. Oh well, at least those … Continue reading Trump Absent-Mindedly Executes Guy He Meant To Pardon
The 10 Best Christmas Carols And Why They’re All Just The ‘Five Golden Rings’ Part Of That One Song
Honestly, it's absurd that we're even trying to make new Christmas music as long as "fiiiiiive goooooooolllld riiiings!" still exists. We will never be able to capture this glory again. Just let it go.
‘A Loaf Of Bread Cost A Nickel When I Was A Kid’ McConnell Brags Of Huge Stimulus Bill
"I remember they had this penny candy, and they didn't just call it that, it was all actually a penny. Mama would send us all down there with a few pennies, I still remember the jingle in my pocket from them, and we'd make our selection. I'd get a big thing of black licorice. A … Continue reading ‘A Loaf Of Bread Cost A Nickel When I Was A Kid’ McConnell Brags Of Huge Stimulus Bill
Saturn and Jupiter Are Closer Today Than You Will Ever Be With Your Dad
“The planets will be close enough to look like a super planet, unlike your not-super dad who never showed up for your milestone moments in life,” announced top astronomers.
Biden Seeks Pregnant Woman To Head Department Of Labor
Washington D.C. After receiving accolades for his choice of Deb Haaland for the Department of Interior, President-Elect Biden has organized a search-committee to find a well qualified pregnant woman to head the Department of Labor. "It's a travesty that, in the 107 year history of this Agency, no pregnant woman has ever managed the DOL," … Continue reading Biden Seeks Pregnant Woman To Head Department Of Labor
Santa Runs Out Of PS5s Before Hitting The Poor Part Of Town
He dug deep into his sack, retrieving anything that would suffice. Sweet Rosie-Jean would wake up to find a new coat that coincidentally looks just like the one her classmate used to wear before her mom donated it to the coat drive at school.