Op-ed by Vladimir Putin
76% of Americans Not Sure Why They Walked Into Room
A new report suggests that at this given moment, nearly 76% of Americans have walked into a room despite being uncertain as to why they entered the fucking room in the first place.
Nixon’s Ghost Visits Trump To Remind Him ‘They Can’t Fire You If You Quit’
After summoning the ghost of Richard Nixon to seek his wise counsel, Trump was disappointed by his advice. "Patriots don't await their fate—they make it. Join me. Just quit. Do it. You can throw up deuces in front of a helicopter." "NO!" Trump slammed his fist onto his desk, inadvertently squirting ketchup everywhere. "This isn't … Continue reading Nixon’s Ghost Visits Trump To Remind Him ‘They Can’t Fire You If You Quit’
Paper Towel All The Plate Single Man Needs
"I'm not fancy," said the man with flowing locks.
Windowless Van Actually Has Candy In Back
“These kids should have just gotten into the back of the van,” said Police Chief Larry Doran. “They may have missed their chance to pet a puppy and get some free candy."
Trump Asks Indian Prime Minister Why He Doesn’t Wear Feathers
"I just thought that if it was a formal event, you'd put on your feathers and formal headdress, maybe some nice turquoise jewelry," Trump questioned Modi.
EPA Announces New Pumpkin Spice Asbestos Just In Time For Fall
By Catricia, Photo Edit By Emily Sanchez
Overcrowded Heaven Not Accepting Anyone Until Addition Is Completed
Contractors in Heaven started work on a very large two-story addition late last year. It was expected to be finished in June, but after a safety inspection revealed areas inaccessible to those in wheelchairs, the opening was pushed back four months.