Memphis, TN —

After dozens of calls from concerned parents about a man trying to lure children into the back of his van, local police found the rusty light blue 1982 Ford Econoline parked outside of Anthony’s Hardware. They observed a man leaving the store with rope, duct tape, and a shovel, and saw him enter the van. Officer Eugene Myers and his partner, Samuel O’Leary, blocked the van from leaving and ordered the man to get out and lay on the ground. While O’Leary questioned the man, Myers checked the back of the windowless van and found two very cute puppies and more than ten pounds of candy. Noted Myers, “He had lollipops, Fun Dip, Tootsie Rolls…the big ones. And Starburst. He even had full-size Twix and Reese’s Cups.” While gnawing on the candy necklace he was wearing, Myers added, “And those puppies. They were the cutest puppies ever. Clearly this man just wanted to make friends with the small children he was approaching.” 

Police have since made an official announcement that the white 42-year-old van driver wearing a mustard-stained T-shirt is not a threat to neighborhood children. “These kids should have just gotten into the back of the van,” said Police Chief Larry Doran. “They may have missed their chance to pet a puppy and get some free candy. The dirty-mustached guy said he was from out of town so he’s probably gone already. Remember kids: If something like this happens again, it’s best to stop and think before assuming the worst and running home to mommy and daddy.”

By Ethan Moore