Vancouver, BC —

“I never thought I would be in this situation, but here I am: the mom who accidentally walked in on her teenage son in the middle of touching himself!” 47-year-old Jen Krahn told Unsubscribed. “Yesterday, I walked into my son Chris’s room to drop off his laundry, like I normally do. It was in the middle of the day, so I didn’t think twice about going in unannounced. It took me a brief moment to put two and two together and realize what was going on. I can’t believe he would be stroking his face during a pandemic.”

Krahn continued: “I remember him immediately turning away from me then yelling, ‘Hey! Please knock!!’ He tried to cover up by saying he was masturbating, but I knew the only balls he was massaging were his eyeballs, and clearly that was his nose he was rubbing his hand up and down on. I just said ‘CHRIS! OH MY GOD!’ before closing his door and leaving, and through the door I yelled ‘By the way, hurry up!’

“I walked out to give him time to clean up and wash his hands, and to give myself time to regain my composure, because I was so mortified. I realized, though, that Chris was curious, and it’s important to remember that the urge to rub out an itch will always be there. And seeing as we are in the middle of a pandemic, I had a heart-to-heart with Chris about the natural urge to put your hands on your face. It’s important he keeps control and know there’s a time and a place. I made it as simple as possible: Non-pandemic = okay, Coronavirusfest 2020 = HANDS OFF, ASSHOLE.

“I asked him if he had any questions. He did. He asked why his face gets itchy at times. I told him that sometimes it can feel good to touch it, but I’d prefer he did that sort of thing in the shower so I didn’t have to worry about him getting coronavirus everywhere. There are five other people in this household to consider. He said he’s not going to do it again, but every parent knows that’s a lie. Chris will be at it again in less than 24 hours. At least now he has a roll of towels and a Costco-sized bottle of Purell to do his dirty business.”

By Andrew Froese and Catricia