Leominster, MA —

According to sources close to the scene, Cooper, the Davis family’s part-golden retriever, part-Labrador, is none too happy that the Davis’s have begun referring to him as a “member of the family.”

“Let me put it this way,” says Cooper. “Cindy Davis could take beauty tips from a zookeeper. And her husband Mac – nice guy. I mean, really, the nicest, sweetest guy. But when God was handing out feces, Mac thought he said faces, and grabbed a big one.”

“And please don’t get me started on the kids. Naomi looks like a cross between a hyena and a fungus. Lucas resembles something left over after a forest fire.”

“Oh God!” says Cooper, throwing his paws over his eyes at the sight of a recent Instagram post of the “Five Happy Davises” posing on the lawn of their beach rental. “It’s like I’m trapped in a zombie movie. By the way, I ralphed in my mouth just before their neighbor snapped that photo.”

“Frankly, the whole situation is a tragedy. Did you know my real mother was a Hollywood stunt dog? I’d probably be munching kibbles in a Purina commercial if that dumb bitch hadn’t run away and gotten knocked up behind an Applebee’s dumpster. That’s how I ended up with this hideous crew.”

“Oh shit. Naomi’s calling me to sit on the couch with her for ‘poochy smoochies.’ Honestly, I’d rather fuck a Komodo dragon, but this usually results in a bowl of hamburger, so here goes.”

At press time, Cooper was seen frolicking happily with the Davis’s while calling them “ass-faced trolls” in dog-talk.

By Joe Lichtblau