All across the country today, the nation’s bars and pubs have collectively shut down in a solemn commemoration of Saint Patrick. “As is the tradition on St. Patrick’s Day, we will celebrate by attending church and silently reading the writings of the foremost patron saint of Ireland,” Chicago bartender Sean O’Malley reported. “Seeing as the rest of the nation will be doing the same, there would be no need for my services today, anyway.”

Seen as a contentious move among the few heathen Americans who prefer to indulge in the sinful excesses of alcohol on this holy day, this somber annual observation of the missionary who reportedly drove the snakes out of Ireland is one that America’s alcohol proprietors don’t take lightly. “I was horrified to hear that some people spend this hallowed day intoxicated. If you think I’d want my establishments open and slinging beers to the masses, think again,” scoffed Paul Wilson, who manages some of the most iconic Irish pubs in Boston. “Taking the day off to reflect in reverence on Patrick’s teachings is of the utmost importance to our servers.”

At press time, people nationwide have silently lowered their heads in prayer for the beloved saint and for the strength to endure this extremely sobering day.

By Andrew Froese