Lake Louise, AB —

According to the latest doctor’s report, an elderly brown bear has been having to get up as often as every three weeks during this winter’s hibernation in order to urinate. “It’s not like when I was younger,” lamented the bear. “Back then I could go the whole seven months without my bladder waking me up. But hey, I’m not a six-year-old anymore.”

The thirteen-year-old bear sighed as he continued, “Now it’s like, my body won’t wait for that alarm clock that goes off in April. I make it three – three and a half weeks tops before I have to stumble out and take a long piss behind a spruce tree.” The doctor was of no help, unfortunately. “I had to maul and eat the guy,” said the bear. “It’s sad, too, because I used to get through a person in one sitting. Now I get through maybe half of one before I get super bloated.”

At press time, the interviewer’s remaining upper torso is recovering nicely at Rockyview General Hospital in Calgary, Alberta.

By Holly Love, Image Edit: Emily Sanchez