Manchester, England ⁠—

Oasis has announced to the United States to “please stop playing Wonderwall every damn time you pick up a damn guitar.”

Lead singer, Liam Gallagher, had recently attended a private party where he observed a simpleton pick up a guitar and attempt to play “Wonderwall” by his band, Oasis. “I was just having a nice time with some friends when some fucking prick picked up an acoustic guitar and made a very poor attempt at playing Wonderwall, fumbling through the chords and stopping and starting very frequently. It wouldn’t bother me so much, but this happens at nearly every party I attend!” It was from here that Liam discovered this didn’t solely occur at parties he was at, but rather, that at nearly every party where an acoustic guitar is present, at some point during the evening, Wonderwall will be used as a tool to fuck up a perfectly good evening by some drunken bumbling idiot who thinks they’re going to impress a girl who’s clearly not showing any signs she’s into him.

“This isn’t what we wanted for Wonderwall,” said Gallagher desperately. “We really ask that you assholes just stop playing it every time you pick up a guitar. We appreciated it at first, but now even we feel like it’s overplayed. There are thousands upon thousands of other songs for everyone to play.”

In the interest of sparing Gallagher’s feelings, no one had the heart to inform the band that Wonderwall is also played all the fucking time at any given music shop in the country.

By Zach Englund