A new report from the Department of Energy has uncovered an unforeseen source of mechanical kinetic energy: our Founding Fathers spinning in their graves.
“For decades, our nation has lamented the fact that John Adams is likely oscillating in his coffin,” said a spokesperson. “But we’re only now discovering that our Founding Fathers’ rotational exasperation at the state of America today is a source of clean, white-hot fuel, comparable to over 15,000 nuclear reactors.”
Environmental scientists were quick to remind reporters that from a Constitutional standpoint, of course we should respect the laws on which America was founded. But from a sustainability standpoint, they urged the public to do everything possible to anger the ghost of Benjamin Franklin.
“This source of combustion was first ignited during the freeing of slaves, and boosted by women’s suffrage. But if we’re serious about fighting climate change, we recommend kicking the spinning up a notch by permanently banning all firearms, censoring large amounts of speech, and implementing fully-automated luxury space gay communism.”
13 thoughts on “Department Of Energy Finds Founding Fathers Spinning In Graves Could Power Country For Next 100 Years”
The founding fathers would be delighted about end of slavery. They had to tiptoe around it to form a union. Yes, some, regrettably, were slaveholders, but many or even most of those wanted to end it in one way or another.
And at the rate they’re tunneling, they will be here shortly to scold us! 😉
What did this tell us?
Mitch McConnell and Donald Trump have shown us all the holes in our constitution.
I am laughing too hard to comment
I always knew we would have something to thank Trump for.
Should of started back in the sixties about climate change to make a difference today, humans feel bad for mankind
Damn way to make funny depressing. Not saying your wrong but still.
The spinning is the REAL cause of global warming! (and it’s about to get hotter in Virginia)
We didn’t really start modeling until the 1980s. In 1980, in my first college computer class we used key punch cards. Though I remember my first CO2 loading algorithm in 1981, computer processing took a few more years to give us better clarity on the issue.