Tehran, Iran —

In a fiery speech responding to President Trump’s warning that the U.S. stands ready to attack Iranian cultural sites, Iran’s supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei retorted that his country has missiles aimed at every Waffle House in America.

“Know this, America,” Khamenei said to a screaming crowd numbering in the hundreds of thousands. “We will not stop at annihilating the beloved yellow dwelling of the All Star Special breakfast! The ICBMs of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard will wipe out all of America’s most sacred shrines, from Sheetz to Piggly Wiggly, Whataburger to Culver’s, and Shake Shack to Friendly’s! We will exterminate every Runza’s, Burgerville, In-N-Out and Wawa! Yes — Wawa! From Taco Time to Skyline Chili, Bojangle’s to Buc-ee’s! Even Cracker Barrel shall suffer! We have a single missile dedicated solely to destroying your Holy Lower East Side temple, Katz’s Deli!”

“Attack the antiquities of Mesopotamia and Persia, and we shall unleash the ultimate retaliation —we will leave every Taco Bell in America totally unharmed!”

In response to the Ayatollah’s speech, Waffle House issued the following statement:

“To our valued patrons and employees: In the event a Waffle House is hit by an atomic weapon, operations there will continue 24/7 as usual.”

By Joe Lichtblau, Photo edit: Emily Sanchez