Washington, D.C. —
U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos declared a new, radical method for former students to quickly rid themselves of their crippling student loan debts: suicide. When asked about the extreme means of solving this issue, DeVos told Unsubscribed, “While it may seem extreme and highly controversial, we see that offing yourself is the fastest way to do away with your debts.”
The student loan debt in America has been increasing to the point of being labeled a major crisis. National student loan debt has soared from $260 billion in 2004 to $1.4 trillion in 2017 and continues to rise as more students enrol and colleges continue to drastically increase their prices.
“For many people, college is the peak of their lives. Everything after that is downhill, full of emptiness, worthlessness, and hopelessness,” DeVos elaborated. “So why not have the time of your life and go out with a bang? Or a neck tug?”
Opponents are critical of DeVos’ suggestion of ending debt with death. “By encouraging these kids to kill themselves, we are going to lose a significant portion of our future work force,” cautioned Illinois senator Tammy Duckworth. “Sure, it would be a quick fix, but there would be large consequences down the road, like who’s going to empty my bedpan and puree my meals?”
It doesn’t look as though the Department of Education is really looking into alternatives either. “It would be nearly impossible for us to clear all of this debt,” DeVos noted. “These kids need to learn they can either take the hard way out or the easy way out; we’re not going to do that for them.”
By Zach Englund