Today only!
Deadbeat Dad Who Left Home For Smokes Returns For Lighter
“I’ll just grab the lighter real quick and leave,” he thought to himself. "In and out."
Kate Middleton Gently Reminds Meghan Her Child Will Never Be British Monarch
"I wish I could afford to not care about what people think or how I look, like you do. Actually, it's the only thing I cannot currently afford. You people just don't know how easy you have it. You, Harry, that street sweeper over there - all of you lot. Now finish your tea, dear.”
Easter Bunny Wonders How The Fuck She’s Going To Get Millions Of Eggs Last Minute
"I can’t let all those religious families down, and ruin their celebration of the resurrection of their Lord and Savior, which somehow involves me and eggs,” she said while taking a drag of her 18th cigarette of the day.
Woman Chooses Not To Be Depressed Anymore Thanks To Friend’s Advice
"Just choose happiness. Your whining is getting old...Maybe go for a walk out in nature. Make a choice to be different already.”
Gay Man’s Dying Wish: To Have His Ashes Added To A Pot Of Chili So He Can Tear Up His Partner’s Ass One Last Time
After the service, the couple plan to have Matt’s cremated remains carefully mixed into a pot of William’s favorite chili recipe, together with several pounds of burning hot Carolina Reaper peppers, so Matt can savage William’s luscious little butthole one last time.
US Outraged at NZ Plan to Violate Second Amendment
This isn't the America we know.
Guy Your Mom Wants To Fuck Running For President
"What I lack in a voting record, I make up for in sheer, devastating handsomeness."
2020 Subaru Forester Comes With Dave Matthews Band
“Our drivers live extremely busy lives — with their working, hiking with their dogs, running marathons, making multiple trips to Whole Foods each week, and juicing their celery...This will save our customers time rifling through their collection of Dave Matthews Band songs to find that 'perfect' song that fits their mood."