“While it may seem extreme and highly controversial, we see that offing yourself is the fastest way to do away with your debts.”
8-Year-Old Claiming Controller Is Broken, Really Just Sucks At Video Games
8-year-old Matt Grimes has reportedly claimed that his controller is broken, leading him to only have 2 kills and 28 deaths in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, and couldn't face the truth that he really just sucks ass at video games.
We Honor Those Lost To The War On Christmas
Unsubscribed. Goodbye forever.
NFL Relieved Players Assaulting Each Other Instead of Women
"While this type of behavior is not ideal in the NFL, it is at least a step up from having to deal with our players beating women and then having to deal with law enforcement and courts and figuring out an appropriate amount of games to suspend a player. I hope that if more players are in need of assaulting someone, they do it to another player on the field and not to a woman off the field."
Kid Who Burns Ants Wants A Puppy
Burks, a sadistic little bastard since age two, derives pleasure from inhumanely destroying insects and can't wait to be a dog owner.
Californians Regret Not Taking Trump’s Advice To Rake Forest
Given that California residents didn't follow the President's simple advice to rake the forests to help prevent fires, it's possible he may refuse to provide them with any help.
Bass Player Really Going All Out To Try And Be Noticed
"It's really kind of embarrassing," remarked Rodger Stevenson, manager of one of the local Austin clubs that booked the band. "You have an amazing guitarist playing tough riffs, chord progressions, and solos. There's also the singer, who has amazing control and range, and a drummer who keeps a steady tempo. Yet, this jackass bass player — who's adding absolutely zero to the equation — is trying to steal all of the thunder!"
United States Becoming Less Religious Because Hillary Had God Killed
This explains why thoughts and prayers aren't being answered after every school shooting, pandemic, or when a professional team loses a big game.
Trump Initiates Order 66 In Response To Impeachment Threat
“It is very clear to me that the Jedi and the Democrats are working together to try and take me down. Typical bipartisan move between the dems and the High Council. SAD.”