"It's sad. Very sad. Very, very sad. Everyone is saying how sad it is. So, I will help the Puerto Rican cousins, even though they say we can't," the President confided to his ice baggie. By Emily Sanchez
Dedicated Heroin Dealer Goes To Funeral Of Everyone Who ODs On His Stuff
“From dropping off overdosing friends at the ER from out of a moving car, to giving 15% discounts to people who just completed rehab — there is no denying that he is a true friend.”
Hot Pockets Rolling Out New Flavors For Some Reason
The new Hot Pockets include undesirable flavors like: avocado toast, butter and herb mashed potatoes with corn, and Doritos Locos tacos.
Trump Breaches Etiquette By Still Wearing White Supremacy After Labor Day
“How unseemly for a President to break this rule of decent decorum,” wrote one of many critics. “Look at a calendar and respect protocol! Now we have half the country following in his gauche footsteps.”
David Koch Tries To Avoid Old Pal Epstein In Hell Cafeteria
"Don't make eye contact, David. He's got a bad rep!"
Owner Of Pitbull Who Mauled Child Put Down By Authorities
“You could explain the danger his pit bulls posed until you were blue in the face, and all he would say is, ‘it’s the owner, not the breed.’ Well, come to think of it, maybe he had a good point.”
Bird Standing In Middle Of Road Has Nothing Left To Live For
Her nest was destroyed by an asshole cat. Her mate left her for a beautiful songbird. She has lost her will to fly. So now it's up to you.
Guy Fieri Accused Of Ketchup Embezzlement While Mayor Of Flavortown
The incumbent mayor is accused of misappropriating nearly nine thousand ketchup packets from the city's coffers directly into his personal vault.