"Our cashiers have been instructed to ask for donations at the end of every transaction," said store manager Anna Skinner. "They're really motivated to end world hunger, particularly because they themselves are very hungry."
"For too long, Mexico has been making a mockery of us by taking ordinary punctuation and literally flipping it upside-down. Today, we came together and told them that we're not going to put up with that kind of headfuckery anymore. We will fight to make sure that this decision, just like their exclamation marks, will never be overturned."
"Yes, we're having a few hiccups firing up the old computer and figuring out who voted for who. But in the end, it doesn't even matter who wins, because there's only one candidate who truly impressed us: you voters who came out and worked so hard to make your voices heard."
"It was so funny, Mom! We were all standing on the table quoting that Monty Python scene you love [while absolutely pinging on molly and coke], and then we all broke into song!"
I just refuse to be associated with such asshole supporters! It's for that reason I've decided to support a different candidate and abandon all my previous opinions about keeping poor people alive.
"For decades, our nation has lamented the fact that John Adams is likely oscillating in his coffin," said a spokesperson. "But we're only now discovering that our Founding Fathers' rotational exasperation at the state of America today is a source of clean, white-hot fuel, comparable to over 15,000 nuclear reactors."
"First, I'm going to sit on a window sill. Really blend in for a while. Then," he said, wringing his hands greedily, "I'm going to just dive headlong into a pile of shit. Then, idk, I might vomit all over myself or something. Oh Doug, you sly bastard!" he chuckled.
"I don't know if anyone's noticed this before, but his last name is actually derived from Drumpf. Drumpf!" posts Neville, plunging the depths of human discourse.
We're hoping that by helping these young people unlock their full potential, they can create a life for themselves where they don't work at Chipotle, eat at Chipotle, or ever come within 500 feet of a Chipotle."
Hi there. It's me. I've noticed you've been going through a lot of things that appear to be negative, and I want you to know that I absolutely want to appear like I will always be there for you.