When the United States sends travellers to Europe, they're not sending their best. They're sending people that have a lot of problems, and they're bringing those problems with us. They're bringing disease. They're bringing MAGA hats. They're racists. And some, I assume, are good people."
Trump Campaign Replaces MAGA With Less Ambiguous ‘White Power’ Slogan
Over the weekend, President Trump and his campaign team officially launched their fresh, new campaign slogan: White Power. "Our critics were always like, 'Oh, when was America great? Do you mean during slavery? Jim Crow? What?' And then we switched to 'Keep America Great,' but then the extreme left kept pointing out this Kung Flu … Continue reading Trump Campaign Replaces MAGA With Less Ambiguous ‘White Power’ Slogan
Embarrassed Bangladeshi Prime Minister Realizes Flag Been Hanging Upside-Down For 50 Years
"I feel mortified by this. Why didn't anyone tell me to flip it the right way up? This is just like what happened to Japan."
Fox News Tests Throwing In Occasional Facts Just To Keep Viewer On Their Toes
"Our test audience showed real excitement every time we injected little, digestible doses of reality into our usual punditry. Over time, we may consider moving slowly toward a 50% truth-based system, similar to that on most cable news shows."
Trump Reveals He Also Mainlining LSD, Coke, Heroin, Orange Dye
“I’m not saying I shoot heroin, but I just said it. Not that I’m saying it. Acid, shrooms, Bolivian marching powder. Bolivia. Great city.”
Attempt To Stretch $1,200 Over Several Weeks Somehow Fails To Revitalize Economy
"Our top-level economists assured us that the best way to bring economic growth was to force masses of people out of work and give them $1,200 to cover two months of rent, food, and bills. We are at a loss to explain how this did not work."
Trump Announces He Will Resign ‘Over Every American’s COVID-Ridden Body’
“I'm not going anywhere, folks. I'm doing a tremendous job of stimulating the economy. Health care workers are enjoying lots of overtime. Mortuary business levels are at an all-time high. They can't even keep up!”
Trump Puts Mr. Clean In Charge Of Coronavirus Task Force
“I want to thank Mike for all of his hard work leading the Coronavirus Task Force, but we need Americans cleaning their lungs, and who better to be in charge than Mr. Clean himself? Look at that bald head and smile. Isn't he beautiful, folks?”
Trump Calmly Sips Disinfectant After Press Briefing
“Great flavor. Great flavor. They're doing wonderful things with this stuff. Orange flavor, lemon flavor. Do you believe this? Not me. I told them GET IT ON THE SHELVES the people NEED IT. And it tastes good! It really tastes great folks!”
Dems Ask Biden To Self-Quarantine
He was warned that microphones, telephones, and cameras are all notorious carriers of Covid-19.